This week in dick jokes

First of all, I found out that you can do multiple votes for the ECNY Nomination. So...I need you all to sit in front of your computers for at least one hour a day, and type my name in as many times as you can. http://www.ecnyawards.com/nomination.php

Also, I have been accepted into the Friars Club! In my mind it's like a comedy version of the Elk's Lodge on the Flintstones. We all wear funny hats and drink beer.

Here are my shows this week...
Friday-
8:30 Joe Franklin's
10:00 The Playwright's Tavern

Saturday-
10:00 The Playwright's Tavern

Don't miss "Bake Sale" on Dec. 3rd. We're going to have Delicious Comedy, Yummy Cupcakes, and Tasty Beats!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

HELP NOMINATE STEPHANIE HOLMES FOR A ECNY AWARD

That's right... I posted my headshot... BECAUSE THIS IS SERIOUS Ya'll!

So as you may, or may not, know the last few weeks have been really big for me...
I was a finalist in the New York's Funniest Competition. Which means that I made it to the final 10 of a contest for the New York Comedy Festival, making it past hundreds of other comics and performing along side comics I have idolized for a long time. I got to perform at Gotham and Carolines; two of the biggest clubs in the city.
I am in the process of joining the Friars Club. A prestigious and very well connected club (think the comedy central roasts).
I am finally starting to grow boobs!

I need your help to keep up my momentum.

I WANT TO WIN A ECNY AWARD!

ECNY Stands for "Emerging Comics in New York", and that's exactly what they honor. The comics that are busting their little (or big) butts in NYC. And I can think of no one more "emerging" than me!
So... please go to http://www.ecnyawards.com/nomination.php and nominate me in the Best Female Stand-Up Category. You can fill out the whole form with your faves...But PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE put me in for Best Female Stand-Up.

AND YOU CAN NOMINATE ME MORE THAN ONCE, SO GO BACK EVERY DAY!!!

THANK YOU SO MUCH!
http://www.ecnyawards.com/nomination.php

wwww.stephanieholmes.blogspot.com
www.facebook.com/homieholmes

Did you miss me?

Sorry I've been such a blog Slacker lately. I just have been busy and... I'm sorry!!!

Here's what I have this week...

TONIGHT Wed.
9pm- I will be roasting Matty Goldberg at the New York Comedy Club before he leaves for Florida. Come check it out!

Friday.
I will be MCing the 8:30 at J-Franks, and the 10:30 at the Playwright's Tavern.

THE NEXT BAKE SALE DEC 3rd!!!

Stephanie and BJ bring you NY's funniest comics and BK's yummiest treats.

The show's going to look a little something like this...
Ali wong- Named "Funniest Comic of 2009" by San Francisco weekly
Gabe Pacheco- NY Underground comedy fest, Haiku King
John F. O'Donnell- Comedy Central
Sean O'Connor- The NY Comedy Festival
Lisa Kaplan- Lesbians of Laughter Tour
Josh Accardo- The NY Comedy Festival
Soce- THE ELEMENTAL WIZARD. It's his birthday and we're making him a cake!

NEW FIXTURE TO THE SHOW!!!
DJ Joshua Hedglin will be kickin' the tunes! DANCE PARTY FOLLOWING THE SHOW!

http://www.coco66.com/

Take the G Train to Greenpoint Ave.

My shows this week

Tuesday 10/27 7:30 pm- MCing at the Village Lantern on Bleeker St.

Wed. 10/28 7pm- I am a semi finalist in "NY's Funniest Stand Up Competition". The show is a 7pm at Gotham Comedy Club. 15 Semi Finalists will perform 5 minutes each and at the end they will choose 5 people to go on to the finals. Not to get too cheesey...but it's an honor just to make it into the semi finals with some really hysterical comics. $15 plus 2 drink min.

THURSDAY 10/29 8pm-
BAKE SALE!
This week's sponsors: The Kumquat Cupcakery www.kumquatcupcakery.com

Featuring:
Ali Wong- Named Best Comedian of 2009 by San Francisco Weekly
Tony Camin- Writer for the Marijuanalogues
TJ Del Reno- College Humor
Matt Goldberg- Hilarious Comic, Performs all over the city
Angry Bob- Last Comic Standing, CNN
CD Benny- Comedy Central, The Late Late Show
YOUR HOSTS- BJ and Stephanie

Special Musical Guest: Banjo Player- Morgan O'Kane

COCO66 Greenpoint Brooklyn (take the G train to Greenpoint) www.coco66.com

FRIDAY- 10/30- 8:30 MCing at Joe Franklin's (8th ave and 45th St.)
10:30 MCing at The Playwright's Tavern (8th Ave btwn 45th and 46th, 3rd floor)

Update

So Mon-Wed is pretty slow. I'm going to do some open mics and go around "trolling" for spots. But nothing deffinite.

THURSDAY 10/22...

BAKE SALE!

8pm, Coco66 Greenpoint, BK

BJ and Stephanie are back! Bringing you hilarious comedy and delicious treats!

This weeks sponsor: Nunu Chocolates! http://www.nunuchocolates.com/

We can't wait! yummmmmm

This week's Comics:

BJ and Stephanie- Your Lovely and Lovelier MCs

Michelle Buteau- Comedy Central

Warren Holstein- SNL

Joe Pontillo- "Street of the Dead". Showing a video, as well as standing up.

Katy Olson- HYSTERICAL
Brentalfloss- Youtube Sensation!

Show starts at 8pm! You don't want to miss this one! Take the G train to greenpoint ave. http://www.coco66.com/

FRIDAY 10/23...

8:30- MCing @ Joe Franklin's

10:30- MCing @ The Playwright's Tavern

SATURDAY- 10/24...

10:30- MCing @ The Playwright's Tavern

SUNDAY- 10/25...

Standing Up @ Bar 4 in Park Slope.

Pass the Popcorn!

Hey everyone! Go to www.guessthemovies.com. I'm featured today!!! But, the video will be on the site for a while.

Shows hos and bros!

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I wish my butt was really as big as it looks in this pic... By the look on BJ's face, he does too.

This week is gonna be crazy Ya'll!!!

• TONIGHT! Monday 10/5- 8pm. I will be in Park Slope at a bar called "Belleville"...I'm pretty sure it's a bar; it sort of sounds like a psychiatric facility. - 5th St. / 5th Ave

• Thursday 10/8-

8pm. MY NEW SHOW "Bake Sale"! Coco66 http://www.coco66.com/ 66 Greenpoint Ave (Greenpoint, BK).

Free Comedy, delicious cookies, prizes, and "special guests"! Every Thursday Stephanie and BJ host some of NYCs funniest comics, while giving out yummy cookies.This Week's Lineup...

Stephanie Holmes (Your MC)- New York Underground Comedy Festival, http://www.bushwickbk.com/

Soce The Elemental Wizard- http://www.theapiary.com/

Jon Randall- Conan O'Brien

Esther Ku- Last Comic Standing

Rob Cantrell- Last Comic Standing, The Marijuanalogues

• Friday 10/10-

8pm- (let's say it all together) MCING at Joe Franklin's

10pm- MCing at The Playwright's Tavern.

12am- Mcing at The Playwright's Tavern (That's right...we added another show. LATE NIGHT DIRRRRRRTY!)

• Saturday 10/11-

10pm- Mcing at The Playwright's Tavern

12am- Mcing at The Playwright's Tavern (Dirty show!!!)

• Sunday 10/11- I have a 10:15 spot at The Jazz on The Park Hostel...but I'm pretty sure you aren't invited. SORRY!

• Other things worth mentioning....
  

I will be attending the open call for the New York's Funniest competition on Oct. 10th. If I win I get to open for a big name in the New York Comedy Festival, and I get money, and a people's choice award! Anyway, all week I will be fine tuning my set for my big audition.

I will also be shooting EPISODE 4 of the AWESOME webseries "The Life and Times of Hank E. Valdooer", sometime this month. A really funny show written by my good friend Joe Pontillo. I feel very honored to be a part of this.... go to http://www.youtube.com/user/malarkeychrist to watch all the past episodes.

Back to Work!

Ahhhhh....it is so nice to be back in New York. Indiana is fine, but come on. I am a city girl!

My shows this week are looking like this:

Thursday 10/1: 8pm MY NEW SHOW! "Bake Sale" co-produced by the dark and mysterious B.J. Thorne. This show is going to be super fun because it's packed with my super talented friends! This week we'll have... Hailey Boyle- Hysterical Comedian, animal lover, and my BFF. From the New York Comedy Festival and Sirius radio. Bill Chambers- World's Greatest Grandson and DIY cartoonist. He'll be giving away copies of his zine!!! Ted Greenberg- Emmy Award winning writer for David Letterman. His one man show "The Complete Performer" is getting awesome reviews and selling out on a weekly basis. He's just taking some time out of his "Being awesome" schedule to do a spot on my show!!!

The show is at coco66 http://www.coco66.com/. Take the G train to Greenpoint Ave

The show is FREE and we're giving out FREE COOKIES from the yummy bakery Cookie Road.

Point is...You don't want to miss this shiz!

Friday 10/2- 8pm I will be MCing at Joe Franklin's Comedy club on 8th Ave at 45th St. FREE ADMISSION ($10 food/drink minimum)

Friday 10/2- 10pm I will runn across the street and MC the show at The Playwright's Tavern (3rd Floor) FREE ADMISSION (2 drink minimum)

Saturday 10/3- 10pm I will be MCing again at The Playwright's Tavern. 8th Ave btwn 45th and 46th St. FREE ADMISSION (2 drink minimum)

OTHER INTERESTING TID BITS:
I'm going to check out the open mic at the Waltz Astoria tonight at 8pm. Mostly I'll be telling stories about my trip back to Indiana, a male stripper named Nikko and his jam box, and my Drunkle.

Dan Swartz will be in NYC this weekend! Hopefully he'll invite me to brunch.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO SPOOOOOOOOOOTS THIS WEEEEEEK!!!

Why?

Well! My BFF Veronica is getting married and I am heading to Indiana to be her maid of honor. I have to be there to support her, throw the bachelorette party, and keep the get away car running...just in case. The pic is of me and her...looking like a couple of trannies out on the town

Suprisingly, Fort Wayne Indiana doesn't have much of a comedy "scene"...so I will not be doing stand up until I get back.

BUT NEXT WEEK...

BJ and Stephanie are starting a show! FREE COOKIES and Prizes!

Price:
Zero Dollars
Date:
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Time:
8:00pm - 11:00pm
Location:
Coco 66 www.coco66.com
Street:
66 Greenpoint Av
City/Town:
Brooklyn, NY

This week's lineup...

• Stephanie Holmes (Your Lovely MC, New York Underground Comedy Festival, Bushwickbk.com)
• Hailey Boyle (New York Comedy Festival, Siriu s Radio)
• Bill Chambers (World's Greatest Grandson)
• Ted Greenberg (Emmy Award winning writer for Letterman)
  Rob Cantrell (Last Comic Standing, The Marijuanalogues)

This show will also be a Birthday celebration for me...so you should come! Did I mention it's free?

Go to http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/event.php?eid=138918557932&ref=nf to RSVP to the facebook invite.

Thanks!
Stephanie

THIS WEEKEND AND BEYOND!

Ch-ch-ch-eck it!

• FRIDAY 9/18- 8pm MCing at Joe Franklin's (8th Ave at 45th St)
• FRIDAY 9/18- 10pm MCing at The Playwright's Tavern (across the street from J Franks. 8th ave btwn 45th and 46th... 3rd Floor.)
• SATURDAY 9/19- 10pm Joe Franklin's (doing a regular spot!)

SIDE NOTE:
Starting October 1st I will be at Coco66 in Greenpoint BK every Thursday at 8pm. That's right I'm starting up a show with my partner in crime BJ. We're still thinking up a name... let me know if you have any suggestions.

Yo Yo Yo!

I'm currently reading Kathy Griffin's new book. Hopefully, it will teach me how to build my Stephanie Holmes Empire. First step, FINISH ALBUM.

So I won the contest at the Producers Club on Friday...not that you would know, because you weren't there. But there were a lot of people there that thought I was very funny...I won by 95% of the vote and I got a crisp 20 dollar bill. Somebody took a cab home!

Sooooo what does this week have in store?
I will deffinitely be hosting at Joe Franklin's for the 8pm show on Friday... after that everything's still a little tentative. Apparently word hasn't spread about my $20 victory, but it's only a matter of time and after that all the clubs are going to want this little lady.

I am starting a diet this week with the intent of loosing half of my body weight in 7 days! Wish me luck.

AND I have a big scary audition this week that could lead to something awesome. I'm being vague, because I'm a big believer in "jinxing".

I think that I'm going to do the open mic tonight at the Bowery Poetry Club. According to my friend it's a "human freakshow". Was that supposed to detour me?

Standing up

The week's a little slow but things really pick up this weekend...

Friday 9/11- I will be (Let's say it together) MCing at Joe Franklin's at 8pm. 8th Ave at 45th St.
Then at 10:30 I will be performing at The Producer's Club on 44th btwn 8th and 9th. It's a contest and if I win I will get 20 WHOLE DOLLARS! HOLLA

Saturday- I will be at Joe Franklin's for the 8pm and 10pm shows. So check one out and laugh your balls off!

HO SKANKlin's

This Friday I will be MCing at Joe Franklin's on 8th Avenue and 45th St at 8pm! AND...I will be everyweek until further notice. So that means that if you're panicking, freaking out, yelling at the top your lungs "WHERE CAN I SEE STEPHANIE THIS WEEK???!!!!" You will always know that I am hosting the show at Joe Franklin's on Friday at 8pm and sigh the sigh of relief, because you can have your Stephanie fix (and unlike your anti-depressants...you can mix me with alcohol).

Also I will be at Joe Franklin's this Saturday but I don't know what time yet...

That picture of me was taken a few years ago with my friend "The Human Floor". That's how I genuinely smile...you rarely see it in pictures, because it is so freakish.

Ramblings of a straphanger

So I keep getting these brochures from the Bloomberg campaign, and yesterday I got one about "Bloombergs Plan to Improve the MTA". He is aware that he is CURRENTLY the mayor right?
Anyway, his number one plan is to clean up the graffiti. Right...because after I pay $89 to ride the train, it's been delayed half an hour, and there's a man masturbating in front of me all I can think is, "Will someone please do something about this graffiti!"

You know, I read that 60% of women claim to have been sexually assaulted on the train. Including, being fondled, grinded on, and masturbated in front of. When I read that statistic all I could think was "60%! That seems low." All three of those things have happened to me, probably more than 60% of the times I've ridden the train. In fact it's gotten to the point that if it doesn't happen, I don't really feel pretty...

At first the cat callers and subway sexual assualters are hard to get used to when moving to the city, but now I've come to depend on them for my daily source of confidence. I'll catch myself putting on a low cut shirt thinking, "Javier down the block is going to love this little number."

HOLLA!

First the bad news....
Tom's Comedy Show has been cancelled until Friday September 11th... I think in honor of the victims of 9/11.

Now...
Tonight I am performing at the Jazz Hostel in Times Square...BUT you aren't invited. Hostel guests ONLY!

Wed. 9/2- I'll be at Mezzo's in Astoria 8pm. All my Astoria people should come and support!

Sat. 9/5- I will be at Joe Franklin's in Times Square...but I'm not sure what time yet... I'll get back to you!

The album is really coming along! Look out for my music video (in the works...)!!!

Come to one of my spots, and we'll do some shots!

Okay chickies here's what this week is looking like...

• This Thursday 8/20- I will be performing at The Broadway Comedy Club on the 7:30 show. It's one of the rare occasions when I actually perform at a real comedy club...so you don't want to miss it.
• This Friday 8/21- I will be MCing "Tom's Comedy Show" at The Playwright's Tavern on 8th Ave btwn 45th and 46th st. at 10pm
• This Saturday 8/22- I will be back MCing at Tom's Comedy show at 10pm.

OTHER POINTS OF INTEREST:
I AM RECORDING MY CD!!!!!!! This Wednesdsay, so keep your fingers crossed.

Stuff n' stuff

TONIGHT! Monday 8/10~ I'll be standing up on the9:30 show at The Comedy Corner. I'm taping this one...so come down and laugh loud!

Friday 8/14~ I'm MCing for Tom's Traveling Comedy show at 10pm! Finally, we're back to our normal venue at The Playwright's Tavern on 8th Ave btwn 45th and 46th St. (3rd floor)

Saturday 8/15~ Yet again I will be at Tom's show...MCing up a storm.

Sunday 8/16~ I will be doing stand up at 8pm at Bar 4 in Park Slope Brooklyn. 444 7th Ave, at 15th St. (wherever that is...)

OTHER NOTABLE THINGS THIS WEEK:

On Thursday and Friday I am finally shooting my scenes for the upcoming film "The Mystery Box".

My cousing Ashley is coming into town sometime this week...

I will hopefully start recording my first album this week as well!!!

PROJECTS PROJECTS PROJECTS!!!

Cum on down!

This week is going to be KARAZZY!

Monday 8/3- I will be at the Comedy Corner at 9:30. The 3 Dolla Holla Show....it costs 3 dollars. McDougal and Bleeker in the Village.

Tuesday 8/4- I will be MCing at The Village Lantern on Bleeker at 7:30. Show is free. 2 drink minimum, but cheap booze.

Friday 8/7- I will be MCing for Tom's Comedy Show which has temporarily relocated to the Playwright's Tavern on 35th btwn 5th and 6th Ave. ($6 Magic Hats!!!) 10pm

Saturday 8/8- MCing yet again for Tom at 10pm!

I should be getting atleast one more spot this week...I'll keep you all posted!

Get a load of this webisode!

Check out Hank E. Valdooer

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lL7xNPycFGk <----part1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ys2QADXGFO4 <---part 2