PooTube

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!
I have set up a youtube account! It took me several hours to figure out what a mere child could do in minutes. BEHOLD... http://www.youtube.com/user/SHolmesComedy

It's not super impressive at first glance but if you look closely you'll notice that I'm featured in all of the videos I've favorited. So pop a bag of popcorn and snuggle up in front of your computer for atleast 10 minutes of mild amusement.

More videos to come once I have mastered the art of the "camera".

Holmes Out

Smackin' People with My 8 Inch Clit!

This week is jam packed full of Stephanie!

• This Monday 3/30 AS ALWAY I will be at "The Rock and Roll Comedy Circus" at Europa in Greenpoint, BK. This show is free and super fun so come and get SHWASTED! 8pm
• This Thurs 4/2 I will be at Joe Franklin's comedy club in Charley O's (8th ave and 45th St.). The shows are at 8:30 and 10:30 and there is a two drink minimum.
• This Friday I will be MCing at The Playwright's Tavern at 10:30. This show is SUPER FUN!!! There is a two drink minimum.

OTHER IMPORTANT EVENTS!

• I am serving jury duty on Tuesday...so that sucks.
• On Saturday I'm doing a road gig in Easton PA. I know non of the details (name of the venue, show time ect.) so I anticipated being raped. I'll keep you posted!

J/K

This is a conversation I overheard someone having on their phone this morning while I was waiting for the train....

"And then I was like, well you weren't drunk when you posted up my pic on facebook. And she put the caption 'these aren't her real boobs'. And I was like sort of flashing in the picture but not really. So I was like, 'OMG', and then she was like, 'I was totally J/K'."

I really wanted to push her onto the tracks...

Money Tree

Commercial #1

Person 1: I just lost all of my money to Bernie Madoff!

Person 2: I was just laid off from Starbucks and my unemployment is running out!

Announcer: Are you financially destitute or fallen on hard times due to the stock market collapse, a ponzi scheme, or even an addiction to internet pornography?

Person 1: Yes! Please help!

Announcer: Well new from the financial minds at CNBC and the makers of Chia Pet comes "Money Tree".

Person 2: How does it work?

Announcer: Simply plant our organic, ethenol, hybrid, power seeds in a spacious area...say for instance a vacant Circuit City parking lot. Add water and manure (included) daily until you have a thriving orange tree! The kit includes signs and bags to help you start a thriving business selling your oranges on the side of any highway, interstate, or off ramp.

Person 1 and 2: Thank you!

Announcer: You're welcome. Remember that's "Money Tree" putting you back in the green...and orange.

Just a commercial I wrote in my sketch class. I only had 15 minutes but I think it's half way decent

3 NEW SPOTS ADDED THIS SATURDAY!!!!! AHHHH!!!!

Okay things have taken a turn this week!

• SATURDAY~I will be performing at Joe Franklins on the 8:30 and 10:30 shows and during all the hullaballu I will run right across the street for a spot at The Playwright's Tavern at 10pm!

Both of these shows are free admission with a 2 drink minimum.

Stephanie and The Bacivo Nuggets taking youtube by storm!

GIGS!

So this week my schedule is light.

• You can catch me tonight at "The Rock and Roll Comedy Circus" at 8pm at Europa in Greenpoint BK!
• Tomorrow (Tues.) I will be hosting at The Village Lantern in the West Village at 7:30. Featuring Angry Bob from CNN and Last Comic Standing. This is a super fun show so if you are looking for something to do...choose this!

That's it! I know it's not much but in this economy people aren't supporting live comedy the way they used to. I hope to see you! And if there are any changes to my schedule I will be sure to let you know!

Watch me on www.itsalivetv.com!

Chris Brown's Latest Hit

The whole Chris Brown and Rihanna situation make me sad. I know a lot of girls who say things like "a man hits me once...he only hits me once". But, I think it's probably really easy to say things like that when you're on the outside looking in. Rihanna is probably really confused and scared right now.
That's why if I was giving Rihanna advice I would tell her to take some time to look at the situation. Take a big step back and ask yourself some important questions.
Does he really love you?
Does he really love you?
Do you really think he won't do it again?
Did you do something to provoke him?
Do you think you could maybe just not do that thing anymore?
Where you "asking" for it (either figuratively or literally)?
Was he trying to teach you a lesson?
Did you learn a lesson?
I heard that this whole thing started over a text message he received from another girl. Where you not making yourself available to him sexually?
Some things to think about...

Also, if I could give some advice to Rihanna it would be to actually call the cops and not fake it. Because then he's even madder...and when he done beating you, there are no cops.

THIS WEEK'S SHOWS

Sorry I'm late posting up my shows for this week!

• Yesterday (just as every Monday) I was at Europa. The band, "The Black Smokers" were AWESOME! Seriously, if you haven't seen this show yet you really should. EVERY MONDAY at 8pm at Europa in Greenpoint BK!

• THIS WED. 3/11~ I have an audition on the Wednesday night show at Stand Up NY! If it goes well I could get way more spots at a really great club! So if you're free come and check out the 8pm show! 78th and Broadway

• Friday's show at the Playwright's Tavern is cancelled this week. Sorry Chickadees. Come next week and I'll blow your mind.

THE SHOW THAT I WAS ON HAS BEEN POSTED UP! Please go to Itsalivetv.com and watch my interview followed by a brief performance.

GIANT SEX TOY COMES TO LIFE!!!

Okay not really...it's an albino dolphin.

Forgiveness

Over the weekend Siegfried and Roy performed there last ever illusion, and featured in the act was the tiger that attacked Roy in 2003, causing severe injuries.
Inspired by Roy's spirit of forgiveness and willingness to perform with something that has hurt him, this Friday ONE NIGHT ONLY you can catch me performing side by side with a piece of cheesecake.

Crunk Aint Dead

So recently a friend of mine confessed to me that she is a recovering alcoholic. While trying to gauge my own potential I asked her what the warning signs are. She said that you must answer "yes" to three questions on a 20 questionnaire. This seems really simple... Let's give it a try.

1. Do you lose time from work due to your drinking

I am a stand up comedian...I work 5 minutes a day. I can hold it together for 5 minutes.

2. Is drinking making your home life unhappy?
If anything it's made it happier

3. Do you drink because you are shy with other people?
Doesn't everyone?

4. Is drinking affecting your reputation?
Nah...I'm slutty when I'm drunk, I'm slutty when I'm sober.

5. Have you ever felt remorse after drinking?
If you don't feel remorse after being drunk...then you didn't do it right.

6. Have you gotten into financial difficulties as a result of your drinking?
I don't buy drinks...that's what boobs are for.

7. Do you turn to lower companions and an inferior environment when drinking?
Yes, I hang out with sleazy people when I'm drunk. Those are the best people to be drunk with.

8. Does your drinking make you careless of your family's welfare?
Well I don't have any kids...but I think in general I am careless of my family's welfare.

9. Has your ambition decreased since drinking?
No, just that nagging voice that says "you can do anything".

10. Do you crave a drink at a definite time daily?
Yes, drinking time.

11. Do you want a drink the next morning?
That's why God invented Mimosas

12. Does drinking cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?
After drinking I usually fall right into a deep almost unconscious sleep.

13. Has your efficiency decreased since drinking?
It decreases WHILE I'm drinking.

14. Is drinking jeopardizing your job or business?
I'm a stand up comic...

15. Do you drink to escape from worries or troubles?
Of course

16. Do you drink alone?
Only if I can't find anyone to drink with me.

17. Have you ever had a complete loss of memory as a result of your drinking?
Not complete

18. Has your physician ever treated you for drinking?
I don't have health insurance.

19. Do you drink to build up your self-confidence?
Is there a better reason to drink?

20.Have you ever been in a hospital or institution on account of drinking?
Again, no health insurance.

Stephanie's Blog. Welcome to the Slog!

Hello Chickadees!

Welcome to the blog of Stephanie Holmes. This blog is going to be regularly (I'm talking several times a week) updated with articles, poems, songs, and whatever else I want. The idea is for me to stretch myself to write more regularly and (hopefully) entertain you out there in the interweb!

You can read more stuff I've written at:

bushwickbk.com

mindfeck.info

And I am on facebook so feel free to friend me!

Every Sunday I will list all my shows for the upcoming week. If you're looking for something to do and you find me and/or my blog amusing...please come and see me perform and support live stand up comedy!

• Monday 3/2- "The Rock and Roll Comedy Circus" at Europa, 8pm

FREE ADMISSION! Great comedy and a new band every week! $5 PBR + Shot of whiskey,$2 PBR, and $1 hot dogs!

Meserole and Manhattan in Greenpoint, BK. Take the G to Nassau.

• Wednesday 3/4- The New York Comedy Club, 9pm

The show starts at 9pm but I usually don't get on until after 11pm. MARATHON COMEDY!

24th Street, between 2nd and 3rd Ave.

• Friday 3/6- Open Mic at the New York Comedy Club, 5:30pm

Hosted by me every other Friday. One drink gets you 5 minutes stage time. This mic gets a decent number of actual audience members as well as comics...so it's great to try out new stuff.

24th Street, between 2nd and 3rd Ave.

• Friday 3/6- The Playwright's Tavern, 10:00pm

After successfully running a Saturday night room here, Tom Newell is taking on Friday nights. I willbe the show's regular host, so you can catch me there every Friday. But, this one will be extrafun because it's the first one! No cover, but there is a 2 drink minimum.

8th Avenue and 45th St. (NE side of the street), 3rd floor

This Thursday I am going to be a guest on a talk show called "It's Alive TV", http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fmogulus.com%2Fitsalive&h=bee1588ed2be91fb02859f1542721e04 . But, I'm not exactly sure when they'll post up my episode...so more info to come!

See you in hell,

Stephanie