Crunk Aint Dead

So recently a friend of mine confessed to me that she is a recovering alcoholic. While trying to gauge my own potential I asked her what the warning signs are. She said that you must answer "yes" to three questions on a 20 questionnaire. This seems really simple... Let's give it a try.

1. Do you lose time from work due to your drinking

I am a stand up comedian...I work 5 minutes a day. I can hold it together for 5 minutes.

2. Is drinking making your home life unhappy?
If anything it's made it happier

3. Do you drink because you are shy with other people?
Doesn't everyone?

4. Is drinking affecting your reputation?
Nah...I'm slutty when I'm drunk, I'm slutty when I'm sober.

5. Have you ever felt remorse after drinking?
If you don't feel remorse after being drunk...then you didn't do it right.

6. Have you gotten into financial difficulties as a result of your drinking?
I don't buy drinks...that's what boobs are for.

7. Do you turn to lower companions and an inferior environment when drinking?
Yes, I hang out with sleazy people when I'm drunk. Those are the best people to be drunk with.

8. Does your drinking make you careless of your family's welfare?
Well I don't have any kids...but I think in general I am careless of my family's welfare.

9. Has your ambition decreased since drinking?
No, just that nagging voice that says "you can do anything".

10. Do you crave a drink at a definite time daily?
Yes, drinking time.

11. Do you want a drink the next morning?
That's why God invented Mimosas

12. Does drinking cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?
After drinking I usually fall right into a deep almost unconscious sleep.

13. Has your efficiency decreased since drinking?
It decreases WHILE I'm drinking.

14. Is drinking jeopardizing your job or business?
I'm a stand up comic...

15. Do you drink to escape from worries or troubles?
Of course

16. Do you drink alone?
Only if I can't find anyone to drink with me.

17. Have you ever had a complete loss of memory as a result of your drinking?
Not complete

18. Has your physician ever treated you for drinking?
I don't have health insurance.

19. Do you drink to build up your self-confidence?
Is there a better reason to drink?

20.Have you ever been in a hospital or institution on account of drinking?
Again, no health insurance.