More opportunities to gaze at my beauty

• MONDAY 4/27- EUROPA! It's going to be super fun AS ALWAYS with bands and booze! I will be telling lots of new never before material. And if I get drunk enough (which is likely) I might start rapping. Show starts at 8:30pm (Meserole and Manhattan. Take the G to Nassau.)
• FRIDAY 5/1- Tom's Comedy Show at the Playwrights Tavern! I host this show and it's da' bomb! Come and support. Free Admission and 20% off food, 2 item min. (8th Ave btwn 45th and 46th St.)
• SATURDAY 5/2- I'm doing one of the shows at Joe Franklin's...but I'm not sure which one, so stay tuned!
• SUNDAY 5/3- I'll be doing a spot in my new hood Astoria. Sunswich 35th st, and 35th ave 9pm. (Take the N/W to 36th Ave) I live right down the street from this show so you should come and afterwards I'll let you sleep on my floor.

OTHER EXCITING THINGS THIS WEEK:

• I'm not usually into promoting shows I'm not on but this one is going to be great! THE BACIVO NUGGETS a super funny sketch group (that I perform with a lot), is performing this Sat. at The Creek in L.I City. Shows at 8pm. Here's one of my fave videos I've done with them: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OS6RK0OXR2Y&feature=channel_page
• This Saturday I'm going to be in 48 hour film for the 48 hour film festival. If the name wasn't enough of a giveaway...we make a short film in 48 hours.

MARK YOUR CALENDARS!:

• MONDAY 5/4- My graduation show from Sketch 101 at the P.I.T. Two of my sketches will be read on stage by awesome actors from the P.I.T.'s house teams. I worked really hard on these sketches so you should come out and support! Then we'll get drunk!!! 7pm. (People's Improv Theatre 29th St. btwn 6th and 7th Ave.)

Trilogy

(A wedding reception. Glasses start to clink and a drunk bridesmaid stands up.)
Brides Maid.- So congratulations Tom and Kathy! Um, as some of you probably know I am Kathy’s oldest friend and I remember when we used to dream about our wedding’s as little girls. And now here you are! Yeah, we were super close when we were kids, super close. We had slumber parties, and gave each other makeovers and sometimes…you remember Kathy…we would practice kissing. We would. We would. So Tom next time you are kissing those soft, delicate, supple lips…just remember I was there first! And….(She gets pushed out of the way by a middle aged woman wedding guest.)

Woman- Well, when I got the invitation for Tom and Kathy’s wedding I just couldn’t believe it! It said right there September 26th and I just knew I already had plans that day. So I looked at my planner and it turns out that I didn’t. So I wrote it down, and here I am! You know this morning when I woke up I just had a horrible stomach ache and I could not get out of bed but then I said to myself, no I must get to that wedding. So I hopped in my car, and oh my god don’t even get me started on the traffic…(Pushed out of the way by a drunk older gentleman.)

Man- Hi everyone I am Kathy’s dad. Well honey, this might be an inappropriate time to tell you that you are adopted but I was just talking to Tom’s mom and there’s like a 90 percent chance that you two are brother and sister.

Shemale and her Cod Piece of Justice!

Scene 1
(Opens on a sidewalk scene with people walking. A man in a ski mask enters the stage, grabs an elderly woman’s purse, and runs into the audience.)Elderly woman- Help! My purse! He stole my purse!
(A overly muscular woman in a spandex super hero costume, with a sparkly cod piece on over it runs on to stage and begins to chase the criminal into the audience.)
Man 1- What was that?Man 2- I don’t know…it looks like a woman but…different.
Child- It’s Shemale!
::Theme Song::
(As the theme song plays the crowd watches from on stage as Shemale fights the criminal in the audience. She shoots him with lazer beams that come from her cod piece. She thrusts to make the codpiece shoot.)
She’s a woman with the strength of a male
She’s Shemale!
Never letting evil prevail
She’s Shemale!
She’s an unfortunately named hero
She’s an unfortunately named hero
She’s Shemale!
Man 2- Wait. That chick has a dick?
Scene 2
(The Mayor’s office)
Announcer- And now the continuing adventures of “Shemale”, able to thwart danger with her cod piece of justice!
(Mayor’s Office. Mayor is sitting at his desk. His phone beeps.)
(Mayor presses a button on his phone)
Mayor- Yes?
Secretary- Mayor Hill. Shemale for you.
(The mayor grabs a small mirror, fixes his hair, and then shoves the mirror into his top desk drawer.)
Mayor- Send him in. (presses a button)
(Shemale enters)
Shemale-Mayor, I got here as soon as I could.
Mayor- Oh, I love your eagerness.
Shemale- Thanks Mayor so what can I do for you?
Mayor- Um, we’ll get to that in a minute…but I was wondering first if you could do me a favor, and grab that book off of that shelf…it’s too high for me.
(Shemale walks to the shelf and reaches for the book as the mayor looks her up and down. She hands him the book. And sits down in front of the Mayor’s desk.)
Shemale- You said this was urgent Mayor. What is the emergency?
Mayor- Well it’s Dildore again. He’s on a bank robbing rampage. He’s robbed 7 banks in the last 2 weeks.
Shemale- That’s an average of one bank every two days!
(The Mayor climbs over his desk and brushes Shemales face)
Mayor- Oh brains and brawns. Aren’t you just Mr. Wonderful?
Shemale- What?
(Mayor grabs her bicep)
Mayor- How much can you bench press? I bet you could just lift me up right over your head.
Shemale- Wait a minute. You’re hitting on me AND you think I’m a man?
Mayor- See now that is interesting. You identify as a man…even though you dress as a woman.
Shemale- Mayor, Shemale is just my super hero name because I am a woman with the strength of a man. Haven’t you heard the song?
Mayor- But what about the bulge?
Shemale- This is my cod piece of Justice! It shoots lazer beams and thwarts evil doers. Also, I can store my wallet and keys inside. The standard super hero costume doesn’t’ have pockets.
Mayor- Fab!…But seriously, I’m embarrassed.
Shemale- Don’t worry Mayor, I’ll still catch Dildore!
Mayor- Well I’m mostly worried about this getting out, I mean people don’t really react well when they find out that there mayor is into lady men. (Grabs Shemale’s cod piece)
(Shemale pushes him arms length away)
Shemale- Your secret is safe with me.
(Intercom beeps. Mayor presses button.)
Secretary- Mayor Dildore is striking again at the Megatropolis Bank right now!
Shemale- Don’t worry Mayor I won’t let you down!
(Shemale runs out the door)
Mayor- Get him Shemale! Crush him in your big strong man hands!
Secretary- Mayor I’m still here…
(Mayor presses release button on the phone)
Scene 3
Announcer- Meanwhile at the Megatropolis Bank.
(Dildore paces the floor with a large shot gun as his evil henchmen unload the safe. The bank tellers and customers are all laying on their stomachs on the floor as Dildore walks all around them).
Dildore- Muhahaha! After I rob every bank in this city I’ll own you all! Nothing is going to thwart me! Muhahaha!
(Shemale kicks down the front door and enters the bank)
Shemale- Prepare to be thwarted!
Dildore- I’ve been expecting you Shemale!
(He shoots at Shemale but she dodges the bullet and begins to shoot lazers out of her cod piece. When she shoots she makes a thrusting motion.)
(Dildore hits the ground and dodges her lazers).
Dildore- Damn you Shemale! Henchmen attack!
(They begin to fight and at first Shemale is winning but there are just too many and they over power her. They chain her to a beam in the center of the bank.)
Shemale- You’ll never get away with this Dildore!
Dildore- It looks like I already am! Muhahaha!
Scene 4
Commercial
Woman 1- I hate carrying around this heavy purse.
Woman 2- I hate having to keep track of my purse and make sure it doesn’t get stolen.
Announcer- Don’t you wish there was a more convenient and safe way to carry your belongings?
Women- Yes please help!
Announcer- Well now you can own your very own cod piece!
Woman 1- Cod pieces? Aren’t those for men?!
Announcer- There was a time when it wasn’t proper for women to wear pants either! Cod pieces are a perfect way to carry your personal belongings while remaining functional and fashionable! They come in a wide variety of colors so you can mix and match with outfits. (Flashes through models showing off different colors with different styles. Business, casual, club, ect.)
Woman 2- Sounds great!
Announcer- And for those ladies that want to also make a statement, we’re introducing a new line of worded cod pieces. (Shows models with cod pieces that say “juicy” and “M.I.L.F.”).
(Women 1 and 2 now standing wearing their cod pieces)
Women- Thanks!
Announcer- You’re welcome! And remember Cod pieces, even gayer than the fanny pack!

Scene 5
Announcer- We now return to the Megatropolis bank where Shemale is in peril!
(The henchmen are just finishing unloading the safe. As Dildore paces the floor with his gun. Shemale is struggling to break the chains.)
Dildore- Once we’ve finished clearing out this safe…we’re going to finish you Shemale!
Shemale- Why are you so evil?!?!
Dildore- Why? Why?! Do you know what it’s like to grow up with the name Dildore? Just imagine me, little Dildore Goldstein at recess. Imagine the jokes?!
Shemale- How do you think I feel?! I was named by a shadowy society of super heros. Shemale! And to make things worse I have to wear this cod piece that makes it look even more like I have a penis.
Dildore- Wait you don’t have a penis? (looks over at a henchmen) Hey Larry I owe you $50!
Shemale- Seriously…has no one heard my theme song?!
Dildore-So join me Shemale! Together we can show all those people that though our names are…
Shemale- Unfortunate?
Dildore- Exactly! Though are names are unfortunate we shall not be taken lightly!!!
(Shemale flexes her muscles and breaks her chains. Walks over to Dildore and shakes his hand.)
Shemale- Let’s join, but not to control the city! Let’s dedicate our lives and powers to combat anyone that wants to name their child something stupid.
Dildore- Yes! Wherever there are parents looking under the X section in a baby name book we will be there!
Shemale- Wherever parents are considering names from Star Wars...
Dildore- Or a comic book…
Shemale- Or a poem they once read…
Shemale- And especially if someone has a name with any sort of sexual conatation we will be there to protect them from the bullies.
Dildore- And the critics.
Shemale- And the overly grab handy mayors.
Dildore- What?
Shemale- Never mind. We’ll be there?
Dildore- We’ll be there!
(They begin to walk out)
Henchmen- Hey what about us?
Shemale- Oh! I’m sorry. (She slow motion murders them all with her lazer cod piece, laughing meniachly as she thrusts bullets).
Announcer- Join us next week as Shemale and her side kick Dildore fight the evil Gwenyth Paltrow!

I'm a Show Ho

This week is jam packed!!!

• MONDAY 4/20- IT'S 4/20 BABY! Come celebrate at "The Rock and Roll Comedy Circus" at 8pm in Greenpoint, BK at Klub Europa! (Meserole and Manhattan. G train to Nassau) FREE!!!!!!!!! $2 PBRS!


• WEDNESDAY 4/22- I will be performing in my new hood Astoria Queens at Mezzo's at 8pm! (Corner of 33rd and Ditmas Blvd.) $5 cover, 2 drink min.


• THURSDAY 4/23- 7:30 I will be performing on "Odd Bagagge" which is a great show put together by Helen Hong and Grant Gordon (2 very funny people). This show will be super fun!!! FREE ADMISSION, 1 drink min. Ochi's Lounge (basement of Comix Comedy Club). (14th St. ant 8th Ave).


• THURSDAY 4/23- 10pm I will be doing a short set at The Broadway Comedy Club. The show should be packed so if you want to stop by that's great. $20 cover plus 2 drink min.


• TOM'S SHOW THIS FRIDAY IS CANCELLED...But we will be back next week!


• SATURDAY 4/25- 10:30 I will be at Joe Franklin's Comedy Club in Charley O's. Free Admission, 2 drink minimum (8th ave at 45th St.)

Super hero sketch...so far

(Opens on a busy sidewalk with people walking. ENTERS a man in a ski mask. He steals a purse off an elderly womans arm and runs off stage.
Elderly woman- Help! My Purse! Someone stole my purse!
(ENTERS an incredibally muscular female super hero. She chases after the criminal.)
Man 1: Who was that?
Man 2: Was that a woman?
Child: It's Shemale!

::THEME SONG::
She's a female
With the strength of a male
She's shemaaaaale

She will never
Let evil prevail
She's shemaaaaaale

She's an unfortunely named hero
She's an unfortunely named hero

She's shemale!

Man 1: Wait, that chicks' got a dick?

Announcer: And now for the continuing adventures of Shemale!

Gig update

Tom's show this Friday is cancelled but I will be performing at the Playwright's Tavern on SATURDAY AT 10:00.

My spot at J-Frank's is also cancelled...but I'll be there next week!

BREAKING NEWS

The guy in the apartment above me broke his cell phone. I know this because I woke up to the sounds of him throwing things screaming "I broke my cell phone, I broke my fucking cell phone!".
I pounded on the ceiling but he just screamed "I don't care if I'm being loud because I broke my fucking cell phone."
So sorry to interrupt your tantrum...my bad.

Giggas

Sorry I'm posting this a day late for all you loyal devotees.
I hope you all had an EGGcellent Easter!

• TONIGHT! Monday 4/13- I am guest hosting "The Rock and Roll Comedy Circus" at Europa in Greenpoint 8pm. Come down and check it out!

• Tuesday 4/14- I will be at "Boots and Saddles" in the west village at 9pm. If you can't tell by the name it's a gay bar...mostly bears.

• Friday 4/17- I'm not sure if Tom's Comedy Show is going to be happening this week...I'll keep you posted.

• Saturday 4/18- Joe Franklin's at 10pm. 8th Ave and 45th St.

Hope to see you at one of the shows!

B.A.C.

Revise:
*Killin all those MCs with my lyrics and shit
And smackin' all those bitches with my big ass clit

Second Verse

My name is Stephanie and I'm a fuckin' nympho
Listen up now, I'll give you all the info
Yeah
I know my clit is basically a dick
But that don't mean that this shit ain't sick
Cause I'll smack you in the face with it
You'll be tastin in
Drip drip drip
Now don't be wastin it
Killin other MCs with that lyrical shit
And smackin' bitches in the facewith my 8 inch clit

CHORUS
Smackin bitches with my 8 inch clit
Smackin bitches with my 8 inch clit
What What
Smackin Bitches with my 8 inch clit
Smackin Bitches with my 8 inch clit

Oooo baby

Every comic that's been around for a while, including this old work hosrse, has stories of horrible sets. Hecklers, technical problems, and all around debauchery happens at comedy shows on a regular basis. But a couple years ago I had a series of sets in which members of the audience would start making out while I was talking...I mean it must have happened like 6 times in a row. In one case I'm pretty sure people started fucking (they remained clothed but she was sitting on his lap in a skirt).
Maybe some comics would take this negatively but I took it in stride...deeming myself "The Female Barry White of Comedy".

Commercial

Geeky kid 1- Prom is this weekend and I still haven't found a date!

Geeky kid 2- Forget Prom! I'm trying to get into a bar this weekend?

Announcer- Striking out with the ladies? Wanna look older? Just feeling UNCOOL?

Announcer- Well from the makers of "Chest Hair for Children" and "Crochet-a-mullet" comes "Mustache for a day"!

(Kick ass guitar riff)

Rocker voice- You can ride on a motorcycle!

You can be one of the Village People!

Mustache for a Day!

Geeky Kid 1- Sounds Awesome! How does it work?

Announcer- Mustache for a day is a one day disposable mustache.

Rocker voice- Wear your mustache just for one day!

Then tear it off and throw it away!

Mustache for a Day!

Announcer- The mustache itself is made from genuine horse hair!

Rocker voice- (Guitar riff) It's like a mane on your face!

Announcer- The back is a super strong adhesive that prevents sliding of falling off, like with other imitation mustaches.

Rocker voice- Holds your mustache firmly in place!

It feels like a hug on your face!

Mustache for a day!

Announcer- The adhesive only lasts for 24 hour...but it will be the best 24 hours of your life! (fast) Doctors do not recommend wearing the mustache for more than 24 hours. Burning may occur.

Rocker voice- Your mustache is gonna be your new friend!

You'll hope that this day will never end!

Mustache for a day!

Geeky kid 2- Wow! Thanks!

Announcer- You're welcome, and remember that's "Mustache for a Day".

Rocker voice- It's the American way!

Trilogy

{The entire scene takes place at a diner with two Jewish women sitting at a table.}

1.

Announcer: Now Presenting: "The Worst Jews Ever"!

(Waitress walks up to the table)

Jewish woman 1: I think I'll go with the ham.

Announcer: These were "The Worst Jews Ever"!

2.

Announcer: Now Presenting: "The Worst Jews Ever!"

Jewish woman 2: (talking to her friend) I swear to God...or whoever it is our people worship.

Announcer: These were "The Worst Jews Ever"!

3.

Announcer: Now Presenting: "The Worst Jews Ever!"

Jewish woman 1: (talking to her friend) Between you and me, I'm not so sure the holocaust even happened.

Announcer: These were "The Worst Jews Ever"!

I'm going to write more of these in the next couple of weeks! So stay tuned!

Easton, PA

Saturday I had a road gig in Easton, PA: home of Larry Holmes. Of course I didn't really know who Larry Holmes was when I booked the gig but I figured that since we both have the same last name that this was a good omen. I was mistaken...

I was already apprehensive about the gig before I even left. I was only going to get paid $25, and for road gigs I usually wont perform for any less than...well a lot more than that. But, I had no other spots that night, and I was in desperate need for a little adventure so I figured why not. Especially since I didn't have to pay for gas.

So at 8pm I met two other comics in a beat down car on Canal St. and off we went. The comic that booked me was driving and another comic, Akash, was in the passenger seat. I manned the back. I had brought a project and my IPOD but it was two dark to write and the driver was pretty conversationally demanding. He let it be known that since he was driving we were to keep him company. Which meant listening to him droan on about the glory days of comedy. Not that I don't appreciate a great comedy story... But I usually enjoy being part of the dialogue.

The trip was short and when we arrived the driver explained that he had radiator troubles and that the radiator needed to be filled with water before we left. I know nothing of cars, so this didn't really seem like a big deal to me at the time. Plus I was more focused on my set to come. I was slightly nervous.

I was informed upon being booked that this would be an "urban" crowd which is how they say that the audience will consist of mostly black people in comedy talk. I think it's stupid. I mean I live in an urban area but I'm not considered "urban" in comedy terms and my african american friends in Indiana that live in housing additions are. Atleast it's better than "the chitlin' circuit" which it is still sometimes referred to by old timers.

So anyway, I was nervous about how I would be percieved in a crowd like that...considering I am possibly the whitest person alive. But, I was at the same time confident because I have done "urban" rooms in the past (though it had been a while) and always done pretty well. My extreme whiteness has in the past been sort of a novelty on a show where I'm the only white person...and I have a lot of jokes about living in Bushwick and Harlem, and the white girl in da' hood thing has always worked. I just kept thinking to myself...just be cute no matter what. If they don't think you're funny atleast they won't hate you.

I was introduced to the host, Sean Harvey, and he greeted me with a big smile and a hug. He seemed like a very nice guy. He told me that I seemed funny (which is something that is often told to me but I don't know how to react to) and that he had a lot of other shows coming up that he needed comics for. I offered him my card, and he laughed and told me he didn't need it because he's a "celebrity"...which I still don't really understand. I joked "Then I guess I don't need your card"...which I guess he didn't understand.

The room was just a small bar on the corner of a residential neighborhood. It started to fill up and was actually fairly mixed ethnicity wise. There were, however, way more girls than guys (SCORE!).

So the show starts... Akash is first and does pretty good, the audience isn't very attentive but after stepping into the room I didn't anticipate they would be. You see, I feel that when you have a comedy show in a bar like that (especially on a Saturday) a majority of the audience is not there to watch a comedy show: they're there to drink and hang out with there friends. You can't expect them to pay attention to you...and if you try to demand that they do they will resent you and you can never win them over. Akash clearly understood that...I hope to work with him again, he was a cool guy.

Then the host comes back and does a lot of crowd workHe's one of those comics that makes the audience volunteer information with every joke. ex. "Who in here is unemployed? Who in here hates there job?" ect. I've always found that audiences get bored after awhile with that. Especially if you ask questions like "Who in here is a big girl?" Number 1. Nobody wants to shout out "yes" and number 2. There are 50 people in the room...you can tell who the big girls are.

So he starts to bring me up "Ladies and gentlemen Samantha...." he gets distracted and starts doing crowd work. I'm mortified at this point, I know he's going to bring me up with the wrong name (after I introduced myself and he was informed of the names of the 3 people on the lineup probably weeks ago) but there's nothing I can do...the whole situation could have been avoided if he would have taken my card, but this is not a time for "I told you so's". He starts again, "We've got a great comic for you! Samantha...." and he gets distracted again. This is great he's going to bring me up to the wrong name three times! After that he finally brings me up, and atleast he gets my last name right (remember Larry Holmes is a local hero).

I immediately address it, I start to talk about how my name is Stephanie but it might as well be Samantha because all 80's names suck...and I start with the jokes. I've got them, they start to pay attention and they're loving me. I tell some Harlem jokes...score! I start talking about dating, and the ladies are liking it.

Then I tell my Barack Obama joke. I have this joke in which I compare Barack Obama to Jesus because they were both great speakers, as well as brown, and never knew there dad. I stand by this joke...it has killed in many rooms before but in this room it killed me. They DID NOT like it. Someone yelled out "It's officially Sunday". As if all the dick jokes Jesus approves of...but me directly saying his name is a sin. Usually if someone says something like that I'll make a joke about how Jesus isn't real (possibly confuse him with Santa Clause) but I know that that would not go over well in this crowd. The rest of the set was a struggle...but I got some drinks and a cigarette out of it. As I left I ended by saying, "Thank you I'm Stephanie Holmes". The host got on stage and said, "Give it up for Samantha everyone". Then he said "She was doing good til' she told that joke about Jesus". I find it ironic that someone who can't even pick up my name out of the handful of times I just said it through a microphone has any room to criticize (especially considering most of his jokes were "borrowed"). I decided that not only is Sean Harvey an idiot...but he's also an asshole. He called me Samantha a couple other times referring to me throughout the show...he never once called me by my actual name.

After the show I was paid $20 ($5 less than I was promised) they also didn't serve food at the bar so I didn't receive the free meal I was promised. This sort of stuff is typical with road gigs so I let it roll off of me.

We put water in the radiator and we were on our way back to NY. On the way back we discuss the gig a little. Akash says he's impressed and that I was funny...but he's not suprised he said I seemed like I'd be funny (ahh!).

The comic driving continues to dominate the conversation. Then the conversation turned into female comedians, which I feel like it always does when I'm with guys comics. I guess I say something with a little attitude (I don't remember exactly what) and he says to me "Are you on your period?" Not knowing what to say I just reply "yes". Akash starts to talk about how he doesn't understand periods, so I begin to explain it to him in a very high school sex ed way. He says, "No I mean I understand that, but I just can't imagine what it would be like." I told him, "Well I don't know what it's like to have a cock." The driver says, "You know there are some girls out there who wish they have cocks. Have you ever wished you had a cock." I think about it for a second and honestly answer "yes". They seem puzzled. "Why would you want a cock?" asks Akash. I answer, "Because if I had one right now we wouldn't be having this conversation, I wouldn't be sitting in the back seat, and I bet the host would have gotten my name right atleast once." That was really the last major input I gave to any conversation on the way back.

The car ended up breaking down twice on the way back. Most noteably, on the New Jersey Turn Pike. I sat in the back seat of the car while the two other comics tried to fill the radiator with water. Every car that drove by made the whole car shake...I imagined them slamming into the back of the car and pushing us all off the bridge. Or maybe a kind old gentlemen offers to help us and instead murders and rapes us on the side of the road. It was at that moment I decided I will never leave the city for a gig for les than $75. I got dropped off in Manhattan at 3am and spent the $20 I earned on a cab home.

Pigs dancing jigs at all my many gigs gigs gigs!

This week is gonna be poppin' ya'll!

• MONDAY 4/6- "The Rock and Roll Comedy Circus" in Greenpoint, BK 8pm at Europa. Five reasons why you should see this show.

1. CHEAP BOOZE

2. Free Admission

3. Funny Comics

4. Great Band

5. Did I mention the CHEAP BOOZE?

My partner in crime, Tina, is coming. The last time we hung out we both got drunk and got piercings...this should be fun.

(Take the G train to Nassau. Manhattan Ave. and Meserole St.)

• Tuesday 4/7- Hosting at the Village Lantern 7:30. Great show featuring Angry Bob from CNN. Free admission + 2 drink minimum. (167 Bleeker St.)

• Thursday 4/9- Performing at the Village Lantern 7pm. (167 Bleeker St.)

• Friday 4/10- Hosting "Tom's Comedy Show" at the Playwright's Tavern 10pm. Seriously AWESOME show! Free admission + 2 drink minimum. (8th Ave 46th St.)

• Saturday 4/11- Performing at Joe Franklin's Comedy Club 10pm. (8th Ave 45th St.)

So many opportunities this week to see me this week and have a super fun time! LUCKY YOU!

When my next album drops it's gonna be off da chain!

Here is the first verse to my new rap single:

My name is Stephanie
And I'm a bad ass MC
Despite my age, my sex, or my pedigree

I'm rockin on the mic
Almost every single night
Givin' jokes to the folks
Givin' people what they like

If any of ya'll Bitches don't think this shit is legit
Then I'll smack you in the face with my 8 inch clit

Straphangers with Strap Ons

I recently read that to cut back costs the MTA will now only have one agent in each station. So I guess you know what that means? It means that I'm going to be raped. Oh yes, I'm going to it and I'm going to get it hard.

Do you know how many countless times a day I am eye raped on the train or in the station? And now the MTA by removing the station agents is basically lifting the invisible wall between me and rape.

The MTA knows what they're doing. That's why they hand out condoms.