Easton, PA

Saturday I had a road gig in Easton, PA: home of Larry Holmes. Of course I didn't really know who Larry Holmes was when I booked the gig but I figured that since we both have the same last name that this was a good omen. I was mistaken...

I was already apprehensive about the gig before I even left. I was only going to get paid $25, and for road gigs I usually wont perform for any less than...well a lot more than that. But, I had no other spots that night, and I was in desperate need for a little adventure so I figured why not. Especially since I didn't have to pay for gas.

So at 8pm I met two other comics in a beat down car on Canal St. and off we went. The comic that booked me was driving and another comic, Akash, was in the passenger seat. I manned the back. I had brought a project and my IPOD but it was two dark to write and the driver was pretty conversationally demanding. He let it be known that since he was driving we were to keep him company. Which meant listening to him droan on about the glory days of comedy. Not that I don't appreciate a great comedy story... But I usually enjoy being part of the dialogue.

The trip was short and when we arrived the driver explained that he had radiator troubles and that the radiator needed to be filled with water before we left. I know nothing of cars, so this didn't really seem like a big deal to me at the time. Plus I was more focused on my set to come. I was slightly nervous.

I was informed upon being booked that this would be an "urban" crowd which is how they say that the audience will consist of mostly black people in comedy talk. I think it's stupid. I mean I live in an urban area but I'm not considered "urban" in comedy terms and my african american friends in Indiana that live in housing additions are. Atleast it's better than "the chitlin' circuit" which it is still sometimes referred to by old timers.

So anyway, I was nervous about how I would be percieved in a crowd like that...considering I am possibly the whitest person alive. But, I was at the same time confident because I have done "urban" rooms in the past (though it had been a while) and always done pretty well. My extreme whiteness has in the past been sort of a novelty on a show where I'm the only white person...and I have a lot of jokes about living in Bushwick and Harlem, and the white girl in da' hood thing has always worked. I just kept thinking to myself...just be cute no matter what. If they don't think you're funny atleast they won't hate you.

I was introduced to the host, Sean Harvey, and he greeted me with a big smile and a hug. He seemed like a very nice guy. He told me that I seemed funny (which is something that is often told to me but I don't know how to react to) and that he had a lot of other shows coming up that he needed comics for. I offered him my card, and he laughed and told me he didn't need it because he's a "celebrity"...which I still don't really understand. I joked "Then I guess I don't need your card"...which I guess he didn't understand.

The room was just a small bar on the corner of a residential neighborhood. It started to fill up and was actually fairly mixed ethnicity wise. There were, however, way more girls than guys (SCORE!).

So the show starts... Akash is first and does pretty good, the audience isn't very attentive but after stepping into the room I didn't anticipate they would be. You see, I feel that when you have a comedy show in a bar like that (especially on a Saturday) a majority of the audience is not there to watch a comedy show: they're there to drink and hang out with there friends. You can't expect them to pay attention to you...and if you try to demand that they do they will resent you and you can never win them over. Akash clearly understood that...I hope to work with him again, he was a cool guy.

Then the host comes back and does a lot of crowd workHe's one of those comics that makes the audience volunteer information with every joke. ex. "Who in here is unemployed? Who in here hates there job?" ect. I've always found that audiences get bored after awhile with that. Especially if you ask questions like "Who in here is a big girl?" Number 1. Nobody wants to shout out "yes" and number 2. There are 50 people in the room...you can tell who the big girls are.

So he starts to bring me up "Ladies and gentlemen Samantha...." he gets distracted and starts doing crowd work. I'm mortified at this point, I know he's going to bring me up with the wrong name (after I introduced myself and he was informed of the names of the 3 people on the lineup probably weeks ago) but there's nothing I can do...the whole situation could have been avoided if he would have taken my card, but this is not a time for "I told you so's". He starts again, "We've got a great comic for you! Samantha...." and he gets distracted again. This is great he's going to bring me up to the wrong name three times! After that he finally brings me up, and atleast he gets my last name right (remember Larry Holmes is a local hero).

I immediately address it, I start to talk about how my name is Stephanie but it might as well be Samantha because all 80's names suck...and I start with the jokes. I've got them, they start to pay attention and they're loving me. I tell some Harlem jokes...score! I start talking about dating, and the ladies are liking it.

Then I tell my Barack Obama joke. I have this joke in which I compare Barack Obama to Jesus because they were both great speakers, as well as brown, and never knew there dad. I stand by this joke...it has killed in many rooms before but in this room it killed me. They DID NOT like it. Someone yelled out "It's officially Sunday". As if all the dick jokes Jesus approves of...but me directly saying his name is a sin. Usually if someone says something like that I'll make a joke about how Jesus isn't real (possibly confuse him with Santa Clause) but I know that that would not go over well in this crowd. The rest of the set was a struggle...but I got some drinks and a cigarette out of it. As I left I ended by saying, "Thank you I'm Stephanie Holmes". The host got on stage and said, "Give it up for Samantha everyone". Then he said "She was doing good til' she told that joke about Jesus". I find it ironic that someone who can't even pick up my name out of the handful of times I just said it through a microphone has any room to criticize (especially considering most of his jokes were "borrowed"). I decided that not only is Sean Harvey an idiot...but he's also an asshole. He called me Samantha a couple other times referring to me throughout the show...he never once called me by my actual name.

After the show I was paid $20 ($5 less than I was promised) they also didn't serve food at the bar so I didn't receive the free meal I was promised. This sort of stuff is typical with road gigs so I let it roll off of me.

We put water in the radiator and we were on our way back to NY. On the way back we discuss the gig a little. Akash says he's impressed and that I was funny...but he's not suprised he said I seemed like I'd be funny (ahh!).

The comic driving continues to dominate the conversation. Then the conversation turned into female comedians, which I feel like it always does when I'm with guys comics. I guess I say something with a little attitude (I don't remember exactly what) and he says to me "Are you on your period?" Not knowing what to say I just reply "yes". Akash starts to talk about how he doesn't understand periods, so I begin to explain it to him in a very high school sex ed way. He says, "No I mean I understand that, but I just can't imagine what it would be like." I told him, "Well I don't know what it's like to have a cock." The driver says, "You know there are some girls out there who wish they have cocks. Have you ever wished you had a cock." I think about it for a second and honestly answer "yes". They seem puzzled. "Why would you want a cock?" asks Akash. I answer, "Because if I had one right now we wouldn't be having this conversation, I wouldn't be sitting in the back seat, and I bet the host would have gotten my name right atleast once." That was really the last major input I gave to any conversation on the way back.

The car ended up breaking down twice on the way back. Most noteably, on the New Jersey Turn Pike. I sat in the back seat of the car while the two other comics tried to fill the radiator with water. Every car that drove by made the whole car shake...I imagined them slamming into the back of the car and pushing us all off the bridge. Or maybe a kind old gentlemen offers to help us and instead murders and rapes us on the side of the road. It was at that moment I decided I will never leave the city for a gig for les than $75. I got dropped off in Manhattan at 3am and spent the $20 I earned on a cab home.