This week in dick jokes

First of all, I found out that you can do multiple votes for the ECNY Nomination. So...I need you all to sit in front of your computers for at least one hour a day, and type my name in as many times as you can. http://www.ecnyawards.com/nomination.php

Also, I have been accepted into the Friars Club! In my mind it's like a comedy version of the Elk's Lodge on the Flintstones. We all wear funny hats and drink beer.

Here are my shows this week...
Friday-
8:30 Joe Franklin's
10:00 The Playwright's Tavern

Saturday-
10:00 The Playwright's Tavern

Don't miss "Bake Sale" on Dec. 3rd. We're going to have Delicious Comedy, Yummy Cupcakes, and Tasty Beats!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

HELP NOMINATE STEPHANIE HOLMES FOR A ECNY AWARD

That's right... I posted my headshot... BECAUSE THIS IS SERIOUS Ya'll!

So as you may, or may not, know the last few weeks have been really big for me...
I was a finalist in the New York's Funniest Competition. Which means that I made it to the final 10 of a contest for the New York Comedy Festival, making it past hundreds of other comics and performing along side comics I have idolized for a long time. I got to perform at Gotham and Carolines; two of the biggest clubs in the city.
I am in the process of joining the Friars Club. A prestigious and very well connected club (think the comedy central roasts).
I am finally starting to grow boobs!

I need your help to keep up my momentum.

I WANT TO WIN A ECNY AWARD!

ECNY Stands for "Emerging Comics in New York", and that's exactly what they honor. The comics that are busting their little (or big) butts in NYC. And I can think of no one more "emerging" than me!
So... please go to http://www.ecnyawards.com/nomination.php and nominate me in the Best Female Stand-Up Category. You can fill out the whole form with your faves...But PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE put me in for Best Female Stand-Up.

AND YOU CAN NOMINATE ME MORE THAN ONCE, SO GO BACK EVERY DAY!!!

THANK YOU SO MUCH!
http://www.ecnyawards.com/nomination.php

wwww.stephanieholmes.blogspot.com
www.facebook.com/homieholmes

Did you miss me?

Sorry I've been such a blog Slacker lately. I just have been busy and... I'm sorry!!!

Here's what I have this week...

TONIGHT Wed.
9pm- I will be roasting Matty Goldberg at the New York Comedy Club before he leaves for Florida. Come check it out!

Friday.
I will be MCing the 8:30 at J-Franks, and the 10:30 at the Playwright's Tavern.

THE NEXT BAKE SALE DEC 3rd!!!

Stephanie and BJ bring you NY's funniest comics and BK's yummiest treats.

The show's going to look a little something like this...
Ali wong- Named "Funniest Comic of 2009" by San Francisco weekly
Gabe Pacheco- NY Underground comedy fest, Haiku King
John F. O'Donnell- Comedy Central
Sean O'Connor- The NY Comedy Festival
Lisa Kaplan- Lesbians of Laughter Tour
Josh Accardo- The NY Comedy Festival
Soce- THE ELEMENTAL WIZARD. It's his birthday and we're making him a cake!

NEW FIXTURE TO THE SHOW!!!
DJ Joshua Hedglin will be kickin' the tunes! DANCE PARTY FOLLOWING THE SHOW!

http://www.coco66.com/

Take the G Train to Greenpoint Ave.

My shows this week

Tuesday 10/27 7:30 pm- MCing at the Village Lantern on Bleeker St.

Wed. 10/28 7pm- I am a semi finalist in "NY's Funniest Stand Up Competition". The show is a 7pm at Gotham Comedy Club. 15 Semi Finalists will perform 5 minutes each and at the end they will choose 5 people to go on to the finals. Not to get too cheesey...but it's an honor just to make it into the semi finals with some really hysterical comics. $15 plus 2 drink min.

THURSDAY 10/29 8pm-
BAKE SALE!
This week's sponsors: The Kumquat Cupcakery www.kumquatcupcakery.com

Featuring:
Ali Wong- Named Best Comedian of 2009 by San Francisco Weekly
Tony Camin- Writer for the Marijuanalogues
TJ Del Reno- College Humor
Matt Goldberg- Hilarious Comic, Performs all over the city
Angry Bob- Last Comic Standing, CNN
CD Benny- Comedy Central, The Late Late Show
YOUR HOSTS- BJ and Stephanie

Special Musical Guest: Banjo Player- Morgan O'Kane

COCO66 Greenpoint Brooklyn (take the G train to Greenpoint) www.coco66.com

FRIDAY- 10/30- 8:30 MCing at Joe Franklin's (8th ave and 45th St.)
10:30 MCing at The Playwright's Tavern (8th Ave btwn 45th and 46th, 3rd floor)

Update

So Mon-Wed is pretty slow. I'm going to do some open mics and go around "trolling" for spots. But nothing deffinite.

THURSDAY 10/22...

BAKE SALE!

8pm, Coco66 Greenpoint, BK

BJ and Stephanie are back! Bringing you hilarious comedy and delicious treats!

This weeks sponsor: Nunu Chocolates! http://www.nunuchocolates.com/

We can't wait! yummmmmm

This week's Comics:

BJ and Stephanie- Your Lovely and Lovelier MCs

Michelle Buteau- Comedy Central

Warren Holstein- SNL

Joe Pontillo- "Street of the Dead". Showing a video, as well as standing up.

Katy Olson- HYSTERICAL
Brentalfloss- Youtube Sensation!

Show starts at 8pm! You don't want to miss this one! Take the G train to greenpoint ave. http://www.coco66.com/

FRIDAY 10/23...

8:30- MCing @ Joe Franklin's

10:30- MCing @ The Playwright's Tavern

SATURDAY- 10/24...

10:30- MCing @ The Playwright's Tavern

SUNDAY- 10/25...

Standing Up @ Bar 4 in Park Slope.

Pass the Popcorn!

Hey everyone! Go to www.guessthemovies.com. I'm featured today!!! But, the video will be on the site for a while.

Shows hos and bros!

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I wish my butt was really as big as it looks in this pic... By the look on BJ's face, he does too.

This week is gonna be crazy Ya'll!!!

• TONIGHT! Monday 10/5- 8pm. I will be in Park Slope at a bar called "Belleville"...I'm pretty sure it's a bar; it sort of sounds like a psychiatric facility. - 5th St. / 5th Ave

• Thursday 10/8-

8pm. MY NEW SHOW "Bake Sale"! Coco66 http://www.coco66.com/ 66 Greenpoint Ave (Greenpoint, BK).

Free Comedy, delicious cookies, prizes, and "special guests"! Every Thursday Stephanie and BJ host some of NYCs funniest comics, while giving out yummy cookies.This Week's Lineup...

Stephanie Holmes (Your MC)- New York Underground Comedy Festival, http://www.bushwickbk.com/

Soce The Elemental Wizard- http://www.theapiary.com/

Jon Randall- Conan O'Brien

Esther Ku- Last Comic Standing

Rob Cantrell- Last Comic Standing, The Marijuanalogues

• Friday 10/10-

8pm- (let's say it all together) MCING at Joe Franklin's

10pm- MCing at The Playwright's Tavern.

12am- Mcing at The Playwright's Tavern (That's right...we added another show. LATE NIGHT DIRRRRRRTY!)

• Saturday 10/11-

10pm- Mcing at The Playwright's Tavern

12am- Mcing at The Playwright's Tavern (Dirty show!!!)

• Sunday 10/11- I have a 10:15 spot at The Jazz on The Park Hostel...but I'm pretty sure you aren't invited. SORRY!

• Other things worth mentioning....
  

I will be attending the open call for the New York's Funniest competition on Oct. 10th. If I win I get to open for a big name in the New York Comedy Festival, and I get money, and a people's choice award! Anyway, all week I will be fine tuning my set for my big audition.

I will also be shooting EPISODE 4 of the AWESOME webseries "The Life and Times of Hank E. Valdooer", sometime this month. A really funny show written by my good friend Joe Pontillo. I feel very honored to be a part of this.... go to http://www.youtube.com/user/malarkeychrist to watch all the past episodes.

Back to Work!

Ahhhhh....it is so nice to be back in New York. Indiana is fine, but come on. I am a city girl!

My shows this week are looking like this:

Thursday 10/1: 8pm MY NEW SHOW! "Bake Sale" co-produced by the dark and mysterious B.J. Thorne. This show is going to be super fun because it's packed with my super talented friends! This week we'll have... Hailey Boyle- Hysterical Comedian, animal lover, and my BFF. From the New York Comedy Festival and Sirius radio. Bill Chambers- World's Greatest Grandson and DIY cartoonist. He'll be giving away copies of his zine!!! Ted Greenberg- Emmy Award winning writer for David Letterman. His one man show "The Complete Performer" is getting awesome reviews and selling out on a weekly basis. He's just taking some time out of his "Being awesome" schedule to do a spot on my show!!!

The show is at coco66 http://www.coco66.com/. Take the G train to Greenpoint Ave

The show is FREE and we're giving out FREE COOKIES from the yummy bakery Cookie Road.

Point is...You don't want to miss this shiz!

Friday 10/2- 8pm I will be MCing at Joe Franklin's Comedy club on 8th Ave at 45th St. FREE ADMISSION ($10 food/drink minimum)

Friday 10/2- 10pm I will runn across the street and MC the show at The Playwright's Tavern (3rd Floor) FREE ADMISSION (2 drink minimum)

Saturday 10/3- 10pm I will be MCing again at The Playwright's Tavern. 8th Ave btwn 45th and 46th St. FREE ADMISSION (2 drink minimum)

OTHER INTERESTING TID BITS:
I'm going to check out the open mic at the Waltz Astoria tonight at 8pm. Mostly I'll be telling stories about my trip back to Indiana, a male stripper named Nikko and his jam box, and my Drunkle.

Dan Swartz will be in NYC this weekend! Hopefully he'll invite me to brunch.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO SPOOOOOOOOOOTS THIS WEEEEEEK!!!

Why?

Well! My BFF Veronica is getting married and I am heading to Indiana to be her maid of honor. I have to be there to support her, throw the bachelorette party, and keep the get away car running...just in case. The pic is of me and her...looking like a couple of trannies out on the town

Suprisingly, Fort Wayne Indiana doesn't have much of a comedy "scene"...so I will not be doing stand up until I get back.

BUT NEXT WEEK...

BJ and Stephanie are starting a show! FREE COOKIES and Prizes!

Price:
Zero Dollars
Date:
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Time:
8:00pm - 11:00pm
Location:
Coco 66 www.coco66.com
Street:
66 Greenpoint Av
City/Town:
Brooklyn, NY

This week's lineup...

• Stephanie Holmes (Your Lovely MC, New York Underground Comedy Festival, Bushwickbk.com)
• Hailey Boyle (New York Comedy Festival, Siriu s Radio)
• Bill Chambers (World's Greatest Grandson)
• Ted Greenberg (Emmy Award winning writer for Letterman)
  Rob Cantrell (Last Comic Standing, The Marijuanalogues)

This show will also be a Birthday celebration for me...so you should come! Did I mention it's free?

Go to http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/event.php?eid=138918557932&ref=nf to RSVP to the facebook invite.

Thanks!
Stephanie

THIS WEEKEND AND BEYOND!

Ch-ch-ch-eck it!

• FRIDAY 9/18- 8pm MCing at Joe Franklin's (8th Ave at 45th St)
• FRIDAY 9/18- 10pm MCing at The Playwright's Tavern (across the street from J Franks. 8th ave btwn 45th and 46th... 3rd Floor.)
• SATURDAY 9/19- 10pm Joe Franklin's (doing a regular spot!)

SIDE NOTE:
Starting October 1st I will be at Coco66 in Greenpoint BK every Thursday at 8pm. That's right I'm starting up a show with my partner in crime BJ. We're still thinking up a name... let me know if you have any suggestions.

Yo Yo Yo!

I'm currently reading Kathy Griffin's new book. Hopefully, it will teach me how to build my Stephanie Holmes Empire. First step, FINISH ALBUM.

So I won the contest at the Producers Club on Friday...not that you would know, because you weren't there. But there were a lot of people there that thought I was very funny...I won by 95% of the vote and I got a crisp 20 dollar bill. Somebody took a cab home!

Sooooo what does this week have in store?
I will deffinitely be hosting at Joe Franklin's for the 8pm show on Friday... after that everything's still a little tentative. Apparently word hasn't spread about my $20 victory, but it's only a matter of time and after that all the clubs are going to want this little lady.

I am starting a diet this week with the intent of loosing half of my body weight in 7 days! Wish me luck.

AND I have a big scary audition this week that could lead to something awesome. I'm being vague, because I'm a big believer in "jinxing".

I think that I'm going to do the open mic tonight at the Bowery Poetry Club. According to my friend it's a "human freakshow". Was that supposed to detour me?

Standing up

The week's a little slow but things really pick up this weekend...

Friday 9/11- I will be (Let's say it together) MCing at Joe Franklin's at 8pm. 8th Ave at 45th St.
Then at 10:30 I will be performing at The Producer's Club on 44th btwn 8th and 9th. It's a contest and if I win I will get 20 WHOLE DOLLARS! HOLLA

Saturday- I will be at Joe Franklin's for the 8pm and 10pm shows. So check one out and laugh your balls off!

HO SKANKlin's

This Friday I will be MCing at Joe Franklin's on 8th Avenue and 45th St at 8pm! AND...I will be everyweek until further notice. So that means that if you're panicking, freaking out, yelling at the top your lungs "WHERE CAN I SEE STEPHANIE THIS WEEK???!!!!" You will always know that I am hosting the show at Joe Franklin's on Friday at 8pm and sigh the sigh of relief, because you can have your Stephanie fix (and unlike your anti-depressants...you can mix me with alcohol).

Also I will be at Joe Franklin's this Saturday but I don't know what time yet...

That picture of me was taken a few years ago with my friend "The Human Floor". That's how I genuinely smile...you rarely see it in pictures, because it is so freakish.

Ramblings of a straphanger

So I keep getting these brochures from the Bloomberg campaign, and yesterday I got one about "Bloombergs Plan to Improve the MTA". He is aware that he is CURRENTLY the mayor right?
Anyway, his number one plan is to clean up the graffiti. Right...because after I pay $89 to ride the train, it's been delayed half an hour, and there's a man masturbating in front of me all I can think is, "Will someone please do something about this graffiti!"

You know, I read that 60% of women claim to have been sexually assaulted on the train. Including, being fondled, grinded on, and masturbated in front of. When I read that statistic all I could think was "60%! That seems low." All three of those things have happened to me, probably more than 60% of the times I've ridden the train. In fact it's gotten to the point that if it doesn't happen, I don't really feel pretty...

At first the cat callers and subway sexual assualters are hard to get used to when moving to the city, but now I've come to depend on them for my daily source of confidence. I'll catch myself putting on a low cut shirt thinking, "Javier down the block is going to love this little number."

HOLLA!

First the bad news....
Tom's Comedy Show has been cancelled until Friday September 11th... I think in honor of the victims of 9/11.

Now...
Tonight I am performing at the Jazz Hostel in Times Square...BUT you aren't invited. Hostel guests ONLY!

Wed. 9/2- I'll be at Mezzo's in Astoria 8pm. All my Astoria people should come and support!

Sat. 9/5- I will be at Joe Franklin's in Times Square...but I'm not sure what time yet... I'll get back to you!

The album is really coming along! Look out for my music video (in the works...)!!!

Come to one of my spots, and we'll do some shots!

Okay chickies here's what this week is looking like...

• This Thursday 8/20- I will be performing at The Broadway Comedy Club on the 7:30 show. It's one of the rare occasions when I actually perform at a real comedy club...so you don't want to miss it.
• This Friday 8/21- I will be MCing "Tom's Comedy Show" at The Playwright's Tavern on 8th Ave btwn 45th and 46th st. at 10pm
• This Saturday 8/22- I will be back MCing at Tom's Comedy show at 10pm.

OTHER POINTS OF INTEREST:
I AM RECORDING MY CD!!!!!!! This Wednesdsay, so keep your fingers crossed.

Stuff n' stuff

TONIGHT! Monday 8/10~ I'll be standing up on the9:30 show at The Comedy Corner. I'm taping this one...so come down and laugh loud!

Friday 8/14~ I'm MCing for Tom's Traveling Comedy show at 10pm! Finally, we're back to our normal venue at The Playwright's Tavern on 8th Ave btwn 45th and 46th St. (3rd floor)

Saturday 8/15~ Yet again I will be at Tom's show...MCing up a storm.

Sunday 8/16~ I will be doing stand up at 8pm at Bar 4 in Park Slope Brooklyn. 444 7th Ave, at 15th St. (wherever that is...)

OTHER NOTABLE THINGS THIS WEEK:

On Thursday and Friday I am finally shooting my scenes for the upcoming film "The Mystery Box".

My cousing Ashley is coming into town sometime this week...

I will hopefully start recording my first album this week as well!!!

PROJECTS PROJECTS PROJECTS!!!

Cum on down!

This week is going to be KARAZZY!

Monday 8/3- I will be at the Comedy Corner at 9:30. The 3 Dolla Holla Show....it costs 3 dollars. McDougal and Bleeker in the Village.

Tuesday 8/4- I will be MCing at The Village Lantern on Bleeker at 7:30. Show is free. 2 drink minimum, but cheap booze.

Friday 8/7- I will be MCing for Tom's Comedy Show which has temporarily relocated to the Playwright's Tavern on 35th btwn 5th and 6th Ave. ($6 Magic Hats!!!) 10pm

Saturday 8/8- MCing yet again for Tom at 10pm!

I should be getting atleast one more spot this week...I'll keep you all posted!

Get a load of this webisode!

Check out Hank E. Valdooer

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lL7xNPycFGk <----part1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ys2QADXGFO4 <---part 2

Tweet Tweet

You may notice the new feature to my blog --------->
You can now follow me on twitter without actually starting an account! ZING!
Inside scoop: I often update my twitter while I'm pooing...I call it "shittering".

SHOW ADDED THIS WEEK 7/11

THIS SATURDAY!
I am hosting at The Playwright's Tavern at 10pm (Times Square). SOOOOOO BE THERE!

Stand Up and Sketches Betches!

THIS WEEK IS BUSY BUSY BUSY!

Tonight! Monday! 7/6: I will be performing at my old standard Europa in Greenpoint BK 8pm. I won't be there until like 9:30-10:00 and I believe I will close the show. It should be a drunken good time and I'm doing a lot of new material, so if you are in Brooklyn you should come because it's F R E E FREE!!!!!!!! (Manhattan and Meserole. G train to Nassau)

Tuesday 7/7: I'll be MCing at the Village Lantern on Bleeker and McDougal in the Village at 7:30pm. This show always has some of my really funny friends on it like Angry Bob and Joe Pontillo. AND YOU NEVER KNOW WHO WILL STOP BY!

Friday 7/10: I will be MCing for "Tom's Comedy Show" at The Playwright's Tavern on 8th Ave btwn 45th and 46th St (3rd Floor), 10:30PM. Always a great show and plenty of booze and yummy food...mmmmm.

Saturday 7/11: Doing a spot at Joe Franklin's 8:30pm. (8th Ave and 45th St.)

Sunday 7/12: I am acting in the hilarious show "Dick N' Me" written by my good friend's The Bacivo Nuggets at The Magnet Theatre. The show will be great and in a cool space! This is my pick of the week of shows you should see!!!! If the show get's a sizeable crowd and good response the theatre might take it on for a longer run! Admission is 5 dollars. magnettheater.com

Here's a sketch featuring me and the Bacivo Nuggets....just to give you a little taste:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OS6RK0OXR2Y

Comedy? Comedy!

It's PRIDE WEEK!!!!!
I MCed at Boots and Saddles in the village last night and the place was packed! Everyone is excited and ready for SUNDAY!!! If you aren't going to the parade...you should.

What else do I have this week you ask?
Well...thanks for asking.

Thursday 6/25~ I will be at The Creek for the Bacivo Nugget's show "Totally Flirt with You". It will be really fun and it's free so come on down! 8pm. It's right off of the 7 Train @ Vernon Jackson in L.I.C.

Friday 6/26~ Tom's show is on!!! 10pm 8th ave btwn 45th and 46th. I'm going to MC the shit out of that show.

More to come!

Vagenies....Genies that come out of your Vagina.

HEY ALL!

So Indiana was fun! It was really nice seeing all my Hoosier friends, family, and fans! I'll be back for Veronica's wedding is Sept. I'm throwing the bachelorette party! My tentative theme is: "Penises".

Comedy has been a little slow getting back...last week my shows were interesting.

THIS WEEK IS LOOKING LIKE THIS....
This Wednesday at 8pm you can catch me at Mezzo's in Astoria Queens.

This Friday I'll be hosting at Tom's Comedy show at the Playwright's Tavern on 8th Ave and 46th...10pm!



FEATURED SHOWS!

I will be at The Creek in Long Island City on Thursday the 25th at 8pm for "The Bacivo Nuggets: Totally Flirt With You". It's a really great show featuring stand up and sketch and The Bacivo Nuggets go on a live date with a lucky audience member! YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS IT!

I will also be acting in The Bacivo Nugget's show, "Dick N' Me" at The Magnet Theatre on Sunday July 12th...so look out for that one!




HEY check out this slightly racist sketch I was in over 2 years ago with "Llegamos".
http://www.facebook.com/ext/share.php?sid=93308834931&h=gmEaz&u=zTSbW&ref=nf

Pepsi? More like Poopsi! ZING!!!

Hey Assholes!

TONIGHT! 10pm The Playwright's Tavern and Celtic Pub on 8th ave and 45th St. I will be MCing Tom's Comedy show. You don't want to miss this shit!

TOMORROW! 10:30pm I will be at Joe Franklin's Comedy Club bringin' the lols.


Watch the Full Length Trailer for "Street of The Dead". I was in this movie last summer, written and directed by the talented Joe Pontillo.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N-6-7_awXTI&feature=player_embedded

Yeah they shot me...I'm awesome.

I will be back in Indiana next weekend so if you live in Indiana come and see me! I will be headlining 3 shows a night in my mom's living room.

Stuff

GIG UPDATE:
Friday Tom's Comedy show is CANCELLED...total bummer.

This Wednesday 5/20 I will be Performing on a Bingo show at 11:00 at Sweet Ups in Bushwick www.sweetups.com SUPER DRUNK FUN!


For your listening pleasure....
Listen to the Revolving Door by going here: http://www.RevolvingDoorPodcast.Wordpress.com

Find it on iTunes: http://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?id=302031935

For Jean.

Okay so apparently people (or atleast one person) reads my blog...which means that I need to get on the ball with updating this thing!

Here's what you've missed:
I've been doing comedy on this Bingo show in East Williamsburg...tough crowd, but drunk....and drunk is my demographic.

I've been doing lots of spots on Jen's show at Boots and Saddles. Drunk and gay is also my demographic.

I was in a film (the star I might add) for the 48 Hour Film Festival in Philly, called "Pancake Tuesday". It showed last week to no reviews.

BUT LET'S NOT DWELL ON THE PAST:
What do I have the rest of this week????

TONIGHT: Friday 5/15- MCing at Tom's Comedy Show at the Playwright's Tavern on 8th Ave btwn 45th and 46th at 10pm. The crowds here are small but mighty! They have a cool balconey right next to the stage where you can smoke a cig, or a crack pipe, or whatevs...and you get a beautiful view of Times Square!

Sunday 5/17- I will be recording a radio podcast for "The Revolving Door" with my good friends Andy Kleiman and Jake Abbondanza (probably spelled that wrong wrong wrong). I will let yyou know we they post it to itunes. The last time I did their show we mostly just talked about my vagina...so should be interesting!

IF YOU CAN'T SEE ME....
You should go see my good friend Ted Greenberg's (mostly) one man show! It includes mind reading, escape acts, a Ted Greenberg mascot, full frontal nudity...and you can win a cab ride home (that will be broadcasted live into the theatre)! This Saturday at the Soho Playhouse 9pm (just off Spring St.). If you want to check it out (which you should) I can get you free tix... crashcomedy@yahoo.com.



NEXT WEEK (so far):
Monday 5/18- I will be at the Rock And Roll Comedy Circus at 8pm!!! Take the G train to Nassau Ave in Greenpoint, BK (Manhattan and Meserole). This show is full of drunken debauchery and it's usually where I do most of my new material.

Tuesday 5/19- Boots and Saddles at 9pm!!! Right off the Christopher St. Stop on the 1 train. The show is proceeded by a Gogo dancer so everyone's usually good and trashed by the time the show starts. Get there early and stick some dollars into a cowboy's g-string....that's my plan!!!!

Friday 5/22- Tom's comedy show at the Playwright's Tavern. I'm going to MC the roof of dat motha!

Saturday 5/23- The 8:30pm and 10:30pm show at Joe Franklin's (Or J-Frank's as we call it in the biz). 8th ave and 45th st. BRAVE TIMES SQUARE TO SUPPORT COMEDY!

So I hope that all of my fans/fan appreciate this extensive blog and atleast come and see one show! I'm liable to rap....and you don't want to miss it when I bust a rhyme!

More opportunities to gaze at my beauty

• MONDAY 4/27- EUROPA! It's going to be super fun AS ALWAYS with bands and booze! I will be telling lots of new never before material. And if I get drunk enough (which is likely) I might start rapping. Show starts at 8:30pm (Meserole and Manhattan. Take the G to Nassau.)
• FRIDAY 5/1- Tom's Comedy Show at the Playwrights Tavern! I host this show and it's da' bomb! Come and support. Free Admission and 20% off food, 2 item min. (8th Ave btwn 45th and 46th St.)
• SATURDAY 5/2- I'm doing one of the shows at Joe Franklin's...but I'm not sure which one, so stay tuned!
• SUNDAY 5/3- I'll be doing a spot in my new hood Astoria. Sunswich 35th st, and 35th ave 9pm. (Take the N/W to 36th Ave) I live right down the street from this show so you should come and afterwards I'll let you sleep on my floor.

OTHER EXCITING THINGS THIS WEEK:

• I'm not usually into promoting shows I'm not on but this one is going to be great! THE BACIVO NUGGETS a super funny sketch group (that I perform with a lot), is performing this Sat. at The Creek in L.I City. Shows at 8pm. Here's one of my fave videos I've done with them: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OS6RK0OXR2Y&feature=channel_page
• This Saturday I'm going to be in 48 hour film for the 48 hour film festival. If the name wasn't enough of a giveaway...we make a short film in 48 hours.

MARK YOUR CALENDARS!:

• MONDAY 5/4- My graduation show from Sketch 101 at the P.I.T. Two of my sketches will be read on stage by awesome actors from the P.I.T.'s house teams. I worked really hard on these sketches so you should come out and support! Then we'll get drunk!!! 7pm. (People's Improv Theatre 29th St. btwn 6th and 7th Ave.)

Trilogy

(A wedding reception. Glasses start to clink and a drunk bridesmaid stands up.)
Brides Maid.- So congratulations Tom and Kathy! Um, as some of you probably know I am Kathy’s oldest friend and I remember when we used to dream about our wedding’s as little girls. And now here you are! Yeah, we were super close when we were kids, super close. We had slumber parties, and gave each other makeovers and sometimes…you remember Kathy…we would practice kissing. We would. We would. So Tom next time you are kissing those soft, delicate, supple lips…just remember I was there first! And….(She gets pushed out of the way by a middle aged woman wedding guest.)

Woman- Well, when I got the invitation for Tom and Kathy’s wedding I just couldn’t believe it! It said right there September 26th and I just knew I already had plans that day. So I looked at my planner and it turns out that I didn’t. So I wrote it down, and here I am! You know this morning when I woke up I just had a horrible stomach ache and I could not get out of bed but then I said to myself, no I must get to that wedding. So I hopped in my car, and oh my god don’t even get me started on the traffic…(Pushed out of the way by a drunk older gentleman.)

Man- Hi everyone I am Kathy’s dad. Well honey, this might be an inappropriate time to tell you that you are adopted but I was just talking to Tom’s mom and there’s like a 90 percent chance that you two are brother and sister.

Shemale and her Cod Piece of Justice!

Scene 1
(Opens on a sidewalk scene with people walking. A man in a ski mask enters the stage, grabs an elderly woman’s purse, and runs into the audience.)Elderly woman- Help! My purse! He stole my purse!
(A overly muscular woman in a spandex super hero costume, with a sparkly cod piece on over it runs on to stage and begins to chase the criminal into the audience.)
Man 1- What was that?Man 2- I don’t know…it looks like a woman but…different.
Child- It’s Shemale!
::Theme Song::
(As the theme song plays the crowd watches from on stage as Shemale fights the criminal in the audience. She shoots him with lazer beams that come from her cod piece. She thrusts to make the codpiece shoot.)
She’s a woman with the strength of a male
She’s Shemale!
Never letting evil prevail
She’s Shemale!
She’s an unfortunately named hero
She’s an unfortunately named hero
She’s Shemale!
Man 2- Wait. That chick has a dick?
Scene 2
(The Mayor’s office)
Announcer- And now the continuing adventures of “Shemale”, able to thwart danger with her cod piece of justice!
(Mayor’s Office. Mayor is sitting at his desk. His phone beeps.)
(Mayor presses a button on his phone)
Mayor- Yes?
Secretary- Mayor Hill. Shemale for you.
(The mayor grabs a small mirror, fixes his hair, and then shoves the mirror into his top desk drawer.)
Mayor- Send him in. (presses a button)
(Shemale enters)
Shemale-Mayor, I got here as soon as I could.
Mayor- Oh, I love your eagerness.
Shemale- Thanks Mayor so what can I do for you?
Mayor- Um, we’ll get to that in a minute…but I was wondering first if you could do me a favor, and grab that book off of that shelf…it’s too high for me.
(Shemale walks to the shelf and reaches for the book as the mayor looks her up and down. She hands him the book. And sits down in front of the Mayor’s desk.)
Shemale- You said this was urgent Mayor. What is the emergency?
Mayor- Well it’s Dildore again. He’s on a bank robbing rampage. He’s robbed 7 banks in the last 2 weeks.
Shemale- That’s an average of one bank every two days!
(The Mayor climbs over his desk and brushes Shemales face)
Mayor- Oh brains and brawns. Aren’t you just Mr. Wonderful?
Shemale- What?
(Mayor grabs her bicep)
Mayor- How much can you bench press? I bet you could just lift me up right over your head.
Shemale- Wait a minute. You’re hitting on me AND you think I’m a man?
Mayor- See now that is interesting. You identify as a man…even though you dress as a woman.
Shemale- Mayor, Shemale is just my super hero name because I am a woman with the strength of a man. Haven’t you heard the song?
Mayor- But what about the bulge?
Shemale- This is my cod piece of Justice! It shoots lazer beams and thwarts evil doers. Also, I can store my wallet and keys inside. The standard super hero costume doesn’t’ have pockets.
Mayor- Fab!…But seriously, I’m embarrassed.
Shemale- Don’t worry Mayor, I’ll still catch Dildore!
Mayor- Well I’m mostly worried about this getting out, I mean people don’t really react well when they find out that there mayor is into lady men. (Grabs Shemale’s cod piece)
(Shemale pushes him arms length away)
Shemale- Your secret is safe with me.
(Intercom beeps. Mayor presses button.)
Secretary- Mayor Dildore is striking again at the Megatropolis Bank right now!
Shemale- Don’t worry Mayor I won’t let you down!
(Shemale runs out the door)
Mayor- Get him Shemale! Crush him in your big strong man hands!
Secretary- Mayor I’m still here…
(Mayor presses release button on the phone)
Scene 3
Announcer- Meanwhile at the Megatropolis Bank.
(Dildore paces the floor with a large shot gun as his evil henchmen unload the safe. The bank tellers and customers are all laying on their stomachs on the floor as Dildore walks all around them).
Dildore- Muhahaha! After I rob every bank in this city I’ll own you all! Nothing is going to thwart me! Muhahaha!
(Shemale kicks down the front door and enters the bank)
Shemale- Prepare to be thwarted!
Dildore- I’ve been expecting you Shemale!
(He shoots at Shemale but she dodges the bullet and begins to shoot lazers out of her cod piece. When she shoots she makes a thrusting motion.)
(Dildore hits the ground and dodges her lazers).
Dildore- Damn you Shemale! Henchmen attack!
(They begin to fight and at first Shemale is winning but there are just too many and they over power her. They chain her to a beam in the center of the bank.)
Shemale- You’ll never get away with this Dildore!
Dildore- It looks like I already am! Muhahaha!
Scene 4
Commercial
Woman 1- I hate carrying around this heavy purse.
Woman 2- I hate having to keep track of my purse and make sure it doesn’t get stolen.
Announcer- Don’t you wish there was a more convenient and safe way to carry your belongings?
Women- Yes please help!
Announcer- Well now you can own your very own cod piece!
Woman 1- Cod pieces? Aren’t those for men?!
Announcer- There was a time when it wasn’t proper for women to wear pants either! Cod pieces are a perfect way to carry your personal belongings while remaining functional and fashionable! They come in a wide variety of colors so you can mix and match with outfits. (Flashes through models showing off different colors with different styles. Business, casual, club, ect.)
Woman 2- Sounds great!
Announcer- And for those ladies that want to also make a statement, we’re introducing a new line of worded cod pieces. (Shows models with cod pieces that say “juicy” and “M.I.L.F.”).
(Women 1 and 2 now standing wearing their cod pieces)
Women- Thanks!
Announcer- You’re welcome! And remember Cod pieces, even gayer than the fanny pack!

Scene 5
Announcer- We now return to the Megatropolis bank where Shemale is in peril!
(The henchmen are just finishing unloading the safe. As Dildore paces the floor with his gun. Shemale is struggling to break the chains.)
Dildore- Once we’ve finished clearing out this safe…we’re going to finish you Shemale!
Shemale- Why are you so evil?!?!
Dildore- Why? Why?! Do you know what it’s like to grow up with the name Dildore? Just imagine me, little Dildore Goldstein at recess. Imagine the jokes?!
Shemale- How do you think I feel?! I was named by a shadowy society of super heros. Shemale! And to make things worse I have to wear this cod piece that makes it look even more like I have a penis.
Dildore- Wait you don’t have a penis? (looks over at a henchmen) Hey Larry I owe you $50!
Shemale- Seriously…has no one heard my theme song?!
Dildore-So join me Shemale! Together we can show all those people that though our names are…
Shemale- Unfortunate?
Dildore- Exactly! Though are names are unfortunate we shall not be taken lightly!!!
(Shemale flexes her muscles and breaks her chains. Walks over to Dildore and shakes his hand.)
Shemale- Let’s join, but not to control the city! Let’s dedicate our lives and powers to combat anyone that wants to name their child something stupid.
Dildore- Yes! Wherever there are parents looking under the X section in a baby name book we will be there!
Shemale- Wherever parents are considering names from Star Wars...
Dildore- Or a comic book…
Shemale- Or a poem they once read…
Shemale- And especially if someone has a name with any sort of sexual conatation we will be there to protect them from the bullies.
Dildore- And the critics.
Shemale- And the overly grab handy mayors.
Dildore- What?
Shemale- Never mind. We’ll be there?
Dildore- We’ll be there!
(They begin to walk out)
Henchmen- Hey what about us?
Shemale- Oh! I’m sorry. (She slow motion murders them all with her lazer cod piece, laughing meniachly as she thrusts bullets).
Announcer- Join us next week as Shemale and her side kick Dildore fight the evil Gwenyth Paltrow!

I'm a Show Ho

This week is jam packed!!!

• MONDAY 4/20- IT'S 4/20 BABY! Come celebrate at "The Rock and Roll Comedy Circus" at 8pm in Greenpoint, BK at Klub Europa! (Meserole and Manhattan. G train to Nassau) FREE!!!!!!!!! $2 PBRS!


• WEDNESDAY 4/22- I will be performing in my new hood Astoria Queens at Mezzo's at 8pm! (Corner of 33rd and Ditmas Blvd.) $5 cover, 2 drink min.


• THURSDAY 4/23- 7:30 I will be performing on "Odd Bagagge" which is a great show put together by Helen Hong and Grant Gordon (2 very funny people). This show will be super fun!!! FREE ADMISSION, 1 drink min. Ochi's Lounge (basement of Comix Comedy Club). (14th St. ant 8th Ave).


• THURSDAY 4/23- 10pm I will be doing a short set at The Broadway Comedy Club. The show should be packed so if you want to stop by that's great. $20 cover plus 2 drink min.


• TOM'S SHOW THIS FRIDAY IS CANCELLED...But we will be back next week!


• SATURDAY 4/25- 10:30 I will be at Joe Franklin's Comedy Club in Charley O's. Free Admission, 2 drink minimum (8th ave at 45th St.)

Super hero sketch...so far

(Opens on a busy sidewalk with people walking. ENTERS a man in a ski mask. He steals a purse off an elderly womans arm and runs off stage.
Elderly woman- Help! My Purse! Someone stole my purse!
(ENTERS an incredibally muscular female super hero. She chases after the criminal.)
Man 1: Who was that?
Man 2: Was that a woman?
Child: It's Shemale!

::THEME SONG::
She's a female
With the strength of a male
She's shemaaaaale

She will never
Let evil prevail
She's shemaaaaaale

She's an unfortunely named hero
She's an unfortunely named hero

She's shemale!

Man 1: Wait, that chicks' got a dick?

Announcer: And now for the continuing adventures of Shemale!

Gig update

Tom's show this Friday is cancelled but I will be performing at the Playwright's Tavern on SATURDAY AT 10:00.

My spot at J-Frank's is also cancelled...but I'll be there next week!

BREAKING NEWS

The guy in the apartment above me broke his cell phone. I know this because I woke up to the sounds of him throwing things screaming "I broke my cell phone, I broke my fucking cell phone!".
I pounded on the ceiling but he just screamed "I don't care if I'm being loud because I broke my fucking cell phone."
So sorry to interrupt your tantrum...my bad.

Giggas

Sorry I'm posting this a day late for all you loyal devotees.
I hope you all had an EGGcellent Easter!

• TONIGHT! Monday 4/13- I am guest hosting "The Rock and Roll Comedy Circus" at Europa in Greenpoint 8pm. Come down and check it out!

• Tuesday 4/14- I will be at "Boots and Saddles" in the west village at 9pm. If you can't tell by the name it's a gay bar...mostly bears.

• Friday 4/17- I'm not sure if Tom's Comedy Show is going to be happening this week...I'll keep you posted.

• Saturday 4/18- Joe Franklin's at 10pm. 8th Ave and 45th St.

Hope to see you at one of the shows!

B.A.C.

Revise:
*Killin all those MCs with my lyrics and shit
And smackin' all those bitches with my big ass clit

Second Verse

My name is Stephanie and I'm a fuckin' nympho
Listen up now, I'll give you all the info
Yeah
I know my clit is basically a dick
But that don't mean that this shit ain't sick
Cause I'll smack you in the face with it
You'll be tastin in
Drip drip drip
Now don't be wastin it
Killin other MCs with that lyrical shit
And smackin' bitches in the facewith my 8 inch clit

CHORUS
Smackin bitches with my 8 inch clit
Smackin bitches with my 8 inch clit
What What
Smackin Bitches with my 8 inch clit
Smackin Bitches with my 8 inch clit

Oooo baby

Every comic that's been around for a while, including this old work hosrse, has stories of horrible sets. Hecklers, technical problems, and all around debauchery happens at comedy shows on a regular basis. But a couple years ago I had a series of sets in which members of the audience would start making out while I was talking...I mean it must have happened like 6 times in a row. In one case I'm pretty sure people started fucking (they remained clothed but she was sitting on his lap in a skirt).
Maybe some comics would take this negatively but I took it in stride...deeming myself "The Female Barry White of Comedy".

Commercial

Geeky kid 1- Prom is this weekend and I still haven't found a date!

Geeky kid 2- Forget Prom! I'm trying to get into a bar this weekend?

Announcer- Striking out with the ladies? Wanna look older? Just feeling UNCOOL?

Announcer- Well from the makers of "Chest Hair for Children" and "Crochet-a-mullet" comes "Mustache for a day"!

(Kick ass guitar riff)

Rocker voice- You can ride on a motorcycle!

You can be one of the Village People!

Mustache for a Day!

Geeky Kid 1- Sounds Awesome! How does it work?

Announcer- Mustache for a day is a one day disposable mustache.

Rocker voice- Wear your mustache just for one day!

Then tear it off and throw it away!

Mustache for a Day!

Announcer- The mustache itself is made from genuine horse hair!

Rocker voice- (Guitar riff) It's like a mane on your face!

Announcer- The back is a super strong adhesive that prevents sliding of falling off, like with other imitation mustaches.

Rocker voice- Holds your mustache firmly in place!

It feels like a hug on your face!

Mustache for a day!

Announcer- The adhesive only lasts for 24 hour...but it will be the best 24 hours of your life! (fast) Doctors do not recommend wearing the mustache for more than 24 hours. Burning may occur.

Rocker voice- Your mustache is gonna be your new friend!

You'll hope that this day will never end!

Mustache for a day!

Geeky kid 2- Wow! Thanks!

Announcer- You're welcome, and remember that's "Mustache for a Day".

Rocker voice- It's the American way!

Trilogy

{The entire scene takes place at a diner with two Jewish women sitting at a table.}

1.

Announcer: Now Presenting: "The Worst Jews Ever"!

(Waitress walks up to the table)

Jewish woman 1: I think I'll go with the ham.

Announcer: These were "The Worst Jews Ever"!

2.

Announcer: Now Presenting: "The Worst Jews Ever!"

Jewish woman 2: (talking to her friend) I swear to God...or whoever it is our people worship.

Announcer: These were "The Worst Jews Ever"!

3.

Announcer: Now Presenting: "The Worst Jews Ever!"

Jewish woman 1: (talking to her friend) Between you and me, I'm not so sure the holocaust even happened.

Announcer: These were "The Worst Jews Ever"!

I'm going to write more of these in the next couple of weeks! So stay tuned!

Easton, PA

Saturday I had a road gig in Easton, PA: home of Larry Holmes. Of course I didn't really know who Larry Holmes was when I booked the gig but I figured that since we both have the same last name that this was a good omen. I was mistaken...

I was already apprehensive about the gig before I even left. I was only going to get paid $25, and for road gigs I usually wont perform for any less than...well a lot more than that. But, I had no other spots that night, and I was in desperate need for a little adventure so I figured why not. Especially since I didn't have to pay for gas.

So at 8pm I met two other comics in a beat down car on Canal St. and off we went. The comic that booked me was driving and another comic, Akash, was in the passenger seat. I manned the back. I had brought a project and my IPOD but it was two dark to write and the driver was pretty conversationally demanding. He let it be known that since he was driving we were to keep him company. Which meant listening to him droan on about the glory days of comedy. Not that I don't appreciate a great comedy story... But I usually enjoy being part of the dialogue.

The trip was short and when we arrived the driver explained that he had radiator troubles and that the radiator needed to be filled with water before we left. I know nothing of cars, so this didn't really seem like a big deal to me at the time. Plus I was more focused on my set to come. I was slightly nervous.

I was informed upon being booked that this would be an "urban" crowd which is how they say that the audience will consist of mostly black people in comedy talk. I think it's stupid. I mean I live in an urban area but I'm not considered "urban" in comedy terms and my african american friends in Indiana that live in housing additions are. Atleast it's better than "the chitlin' circuit" which it is still sometimes referred to by old timers.

So anyway, I was nervous about how I would be percieved in a crowd like that...considering I am possibly the whitest person alive. But, I was at the same time confident because I have done "urban" rooms in the past (though it had been a while) and always done pretty well. My extreme whiteness has in the past been sort of a novelty on a show where I'm the only white person...and I have a lot of jokes about living in Bushwick and Harlem, and the white girl in da' hood thing has always worked. I just kept thinking to myself...just be cute no matter what. If they don't think you're funny atleast they won't hate you.

I was introduced to the host, Sean Harvey, and he greeted me with a big smile and a hug. He seemed like a very nice guy. He told me that I seemed funny (which is something that is often told to me but I don't know how to react to) and that he had a lot of other shows coming up that he needed comics for. I offered him my card, and he laughed and told me he didn't need it because he's a "celebrity"...which I still don't really understand. I joked "Then I guess I don't need your card"...which I guess he didn't understand.

The room was just a small bar on the corner of a residential neighborhood. It started to fill up and was actually fairly mixed ethnicity wise. There were, however, way more girls than guys (SCORE!).

So the show starts... Akash is first and does pretty good, the audience isn't very attentive but after stepping into the room I didn't anticipate they would be. You see, I feel that when you have a comedy show in a bar like that (especially on a Saturday) a majority of the audience is not there to watch a comedy show: they're there to drink and hang out with there friends. You can't expect them to pay attention to you...and if you try to demand that they do they will resent you and you can never win them over. Akash clearly understood that...I hope to work with him again, he was a cool guy.

Then the host comes back and does a lot of crowd workHe's one of those comics that makes the audience volunteer information with every joke. ex. "Who in here is unemployed? Who in here hates there job?" ect. I've always found that audiences get bored after awhile with that. Especially if you ask questions like "Who in here is a big girl?" Number 1. Nobody wants to shout out "yes" and number 2. There are 50 people in the room...you can tell who the big girls are.

So he starts to bring me up "Ladies and gentlemen Samantha...." he gets distracted and starts doing crowd work. I'm mortified at this point, I know he's going to bring me up with the wrong name (after I introduced myself and he was informed of the names of the 3 people on the lineup probably weeks ago) but there's nothing I can do...the whole situation could have been avoided if he would have taken my card, but this is not a time for "I told you so's". He starts again, "We've got a great comic for you! Samantha...." and he gets distracted again. This is great he's going to bring me up to the wrong name three times! After that he finally brings me up, and atleast he gets my last name right (remember Larry Holmes is a local hero).

I immediately address it, I start to talk about how my name is Stephanie but it might as well be Samantha because all 80's names suck...and I start with the jokes. I've got them, they start to pay attention and they're loving me. I tell some Harlem jokes...score! I start talking about dating, and the ladies are liking it.

Then I tell my Barack Obama joke. I have this joke in which I compare Barack Obama to Jesus because they were both great speakers, as well as brown, and never knew there dad. I stand by this joke...it has killed in many rooms before but in this room it killed me. They DID NOT like it. Someone yelled out "It's officially Sunday". As if all the dick jokes Jesus approves of...but me directly saying his name is a sin. Usually if someone says something like that I'll make a joke about how Jesus isn't real (possibly confuse him with Santa Clause) but I know that that would not go over well in this crowd. The rest of the set was a struggle...but I got some drinks and a cigarette out of it. As I left I ended by saying, "Thank you I'm Stephanie Holmes". The host got on stage and said, "Give it up for Samantha everyone". Then he said "She was doing good til' she told that joke about Jesus". I find it ironic that someone who can't even pick up my name out of the handful of times I just said it through a microphone has any room to criticize (especially considering most of his jokes were "borrowed"). I decided that not only is Sean Harvey an idiot...but he's also an asshole. He called me Samantha a couple other times referring to me throughout the show...he never once called me by my actual name.

After the show I was paid $20 ($5 less than I was promised) they also didn't serve food at the bar so I didn't receive the free meal I was promised. This sort of stuff is typical with road gigs so I let it roll off of me.

We put water in the radiator and we were on our way back to NY. On the way back we discuss the gig a little. Akash says he's impressed and that I was funny...but he's not suprised he said I seemed like I'd be funny (ahh!).

The comic driving continues to dominate the conversation. Then the conversation turned into female comedians, which I feel like it always does when I'm with guys comics. I guess I say something with a little attitude (I don't remember exactly what) and he says to me "Are you on your period?" Not knowing what to say I just reply "yes". Akash starts to talk about how he doesn't understand periods, so I begin to explain it to him in a very high school sex ed way. He says, "No I mean I understand that, but I just can't imagine what it would be like." I told him, "Well I don't know what it's like to have a cock." The driver says, "You know there are some girls out there who wish they have cocks. Have you ever wished you had a cock." I think about it for a second and honestly answer "yes". They seem puzzled. "Why would you want a cock?" asks Akash. I answer, "Because if I had one right now we wouldn't be having this conversation, I wouldn't be sitting in the back seat, and I bet the host would have gotten my name right atleast once." That was really the last major input I gave to any conversation on the way back.

The car ended up breaking down twice on the way back. Most noteably, on the New Jersey Turn Pike. I sat in the back seat of the car while the two other comics tried to fill the radiator with water. Every car that drove by made the whole car shake...I imagined them slamming into the back of the car and pushing us all off the bridge. Or maybe a kind old gentlemen offers to help us and instead murders and rapes us on the side of the road. It was at that moment I decided I will never leave the city for a gig for les than $75. I got dropped off in Manhattan at 3am and spent the $20 I earned on a cab home.

Pigs dancing jigs at all my many gigs gigs gigs!

This week is gonna be poppin' ya'll!

• MONDAY 4/6- "The Rock and Roll Comedy Circus" in Greenpoint, BK 8pm at Europa. Five reasons why you should see this show.

1. CHEAP BOOZE

2. Free Admission

3. Funny Comics

4. Great Band

5. Did I mention the CHEAP BOOZE?

My partner in crime, Tina, is coming. The last time we hung out we both got drunk and got piercings...this should be fun.

(Take the G train to Nassau. Manhattan Ave. and Meserole St.)

• Tuesday 4/7- Hosting at the Village Lantern 7:30. Great show featuring Angry Bob from CNN. Free admission + 2 drink minimum. (167 Bleeker St.)

• Thursday 4/9- Performing at the Village Lantern 7pm. (167 Bleeker St.)

• Friday 4/10- Hosting "Tom's Comedy Show" at the Playwright's Tavern 10pm. Seriously AWESOME show! Free admission + 2 drink minimum. (8th Ave 46th St.)

• Saturday 4/11- Performing at Joe Franklin's Comedy Club 10pm. (8th Ave 45th St.)

So many opportunities this week to see me this week and have a super fun time! LUCKY YOU!

When my next album drops it's gonna be off da chain!

Here is the first verse to my new rap single:

My name is Stephanie
And I'm a bad ass MC
Despite my age, my sex, or my pedigree

I'm rockin on the mic
Almost every single night
Givin' jokes to the folks
Givin' people what they like

If any of ya'll Bitches don't think this shit is legit
Then I'll smack you in the face with my 8 inch clit

Straphangers with Strap Ons

I recently read that to cut back costs the MTA will now only have one agent in each station. So I guess you know what that means? It means that I'm going to be raped. Oh yes, I'm going to it and I'm going to get it hard.

Do you know how many countless times a day I am eye raped on the train or in the station? And now the MTA by removing the station agents is basically lifting the invisible wall between me and rape.

The MTA knows what they're doing. That's why they hand out condoms.

PooTube

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!
I have set up a youtube account! It took me several hours to figure out what a mere child could do in minutes. BEHOLD... http://www.youtube.com/user/SHolmesComedy

It's not super impressive at first glance but if you look closely you'll notice that I'm featured in all of the videos I've favorited. So pop a bag of popcorn and snuggle up in front of your computer for atleast 10 minutes of mild amusement.

More videos to come once I have mastered the art of the "camera".

Holmes Out

Smackin' People with My 8 Inch Clit!

This week is jam packed full of Stephanie!

• This Monday 3/30 AS ALWAY I will be at "The Rock and Roll Comedy Circus" at Europa in Greenpoint, BK. This show is free and super fun so come and get SHWASTED! 8pm
• This Thurs 4/2 I will be at Joe Franklin's comedy club in Charley O's (8th ave and 45th St.). The shows are at 8:30 and 10:30 and there is a two drink minimum.
• This Friday I will be MCing at The Playwright's Tavern at 10:30. This show is SUPER FUN!!! There is a two drink minimum.

OTHER IMPORTANT EVENTS!

• I am serving jury duty on Tuesday...so that sucks.
• On Saturday I'm doing a road gig in Easton PA. I know non of the details (name of the venue, show time ect.) so I anticipated being raped. I'll keep you posted!

J/K

This is a conversation I overheard someone having on their phone this morning while I was waiting for the train....

"And then I was like, well you weren't drunk when you posted up my pic on facebook. And she put the caption 'these aren't her real boobs'. And I was like sort of flashing in the picture but not really. So I was like, 'OMG', and then she was like, 'I was totally J/K'."

I really wanted to push her onto the tracks...

Money Tree

Commercial #1

Person 1: I just lost all of my money to Bernie Madoff!

Person 2: I was just laid off from Starbucks and my unemployment is running out!

Announcer: Are you financially destitute or fallen on hard times due to the stock market collapse, a ponzi scheme, or even an addiction to internet pornography?

Person 1: Yes! Please help!

Announcer: Well new from the financial minds at CNBC and the makers of Chia Pet comes "Money Tree".

Person 2: How does it work?

Announcer: Simply plant our organic, ethenol, hybrid, power seeds in a spacious area...say for instance a vacant Circuit City parking lot. Add water and manure (included) daily until you have a thriving orange tree! The kit includes signs and bags to help you start a thriving business selling your oranges on the side of any highway, interstate, or off ramp.

Person 1 and 2: Thank you!

Announcer: You're welcome. Remember that's "Money Tree" putting you back in the green...and orange.

Just a commercial I wrote in my sketch class. I only had 15 minutes but I think it's half way decent

3 NEW SPOTS ADDED THIS SATURDAY!!!!! AHHHH!!!!

Okay things have taken a turn this week!

• SATURDAY~I will be performing at Joe Franklins on the 8:30 and 10:30 shows and during all the hullaballu I will run right across the street for a spot at The Playwright's Tavern at 10pm!

Both of these shows are free admission with a 2 drink minimum.

Stephanie and The Bacivo Nuggets taking youtube by storm!

GIGS!

So this week my schedule is light.

• You can catch me tonight at "The Rock and Roll Comedy Circus" at 8pm at Europa in Greenpoint BK!
• Tomorrow (Tues.) I will be hosting at The Village Lantern in the West Village at 7:30. Featuring Angry Bob from CNN and Last Comic Standing. This is a super fun show so if you are looking for something to do...choose this!

That's it! I know it's not much but in this economy people aren't supporting live comedy the way they used to. I hope to see you! And if there are any changes to my schedule I will be sure to let you know!

Watch me on www.itsalivetv.com!

Chris Brown's Latest Hit

The whole Chris Brown and Rihanna situation make me sad. I know a lot of girls who say things like "a man hits me once...he only hits me once". But, I think it's probably really easy to say things like that when you're on the outside looking in. Rihanna is probably really confused and scared right now.
That's why if I was giving Rihanna advice I would tell her to take some time to look at the situation. Take a big step back and ask yourself some important questions.
Does he really love you?
Does he really love you?
Do you really think he won't do it again?
Did you do something to provoke him?
Do you think you could maybe just not do that thing anymore?
Where you "asking" for it (either figuratively or literally)?
Was he trying to teach you a lesson?
Did you learn a lesson?
I heard that this whole thing started over a text message he received from another girl. Where you not making yourself available to him sexually?
Some things to think about...

Also, if I could give some advice to Rihanna it would be to actually call the cops and not fake it. Because then he's even madder...and when he done beating you, there are no cops.

THIS WEEK'S SHOWS

Sorry I'm late posting up my shows for this week!

• Yesterday (just as every Monday) I was at Europa. The band, "The Black Smokers" were AWESOME! Seriously, if you haven't seen this show yet you really should. EVERY MONDAY at 8pm at Europa in Greenpoint BK!

• THIS WED. 3/11~ I have an audition on the Wednesday night show at Stand Up NY! If it goes well I could get way more spots at a really great club! So if you're free come and check out the 8pm show! 78th and Broadway

• Friday's show at the Playwright's Tavern is cancelled this week. Sorry Chickadees. Come next week and I'll blow your mind.

THE SHOW THAT I WAS ON HAS BEEN POSTED UP! Please go to Itsalivetv.com and watch my interview followed by a brief performance.

GIANT SEX TOY COMES TO LIFE!!!

Okay not really...it's an albino dolphin.

Forgiveness

Over the weekend Siegfried and Roy performed there last ever illusion, and featured in the act was the tiger that attacked Roy in 2003, causing severe injuries.
Inspired by Roy's spirit of forgiveness and willingness to perform with something that has hurt him, this Friday ONE NIGHT ONLY you can catch me performing side by side with a piece of cheesecake.

Crunk Aint Dead

So recently a friend of mine confessed to me that she is a recovering alcoholic. While trying to gauge my own potential I asked her what the warning signs are. She said that you must answer "yes" to three questions on a 20 questionnaire. This seems really simple... Let's give it a try.

1. Do you lose time from work due to your drinking

I am a stand up comedian...I work 5 minutes a day. I can hold it together for 5 minutes.

2. Is drinking making your home life unhappy?
If anything it's made it happier

3. Do you drink because you are shy with other people?
Doesn't everyone?

4. Is drinking affecting your reputation?
Nah...I'm slutty when I'm drunk, I'm slutty when I'm sober.

5. Have you ever felt remorse after drinking?
If you don't feel remorse after being drunk...then you didn't do it right.

6. Have you gotten into financial difficulties as a result of your drinking?
I don't buy drinks...that's what boobs are for.

7. Do you turn to lower companions and an inferior environment when drinking?
Yes, I hang out with sleazy people when I'm drunk. Those are the best people to be drunk with.

8. Does your drinking make you careless of your family's welfare?
Well I don't have any kids...but I think in general I am careless of my family's welfare.

9. Has your ambition decreased since drinking?
No, just that nagging voice that says "you can do anything".

10. Do you crave a drink at a definite time daily?
Yes, drinking time.

11. Do you want a drink the next morning?
That's why God invented Mimosas

12. Does drinking cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?
After drinking I usually fall right into a deep almost unconscious sleep.

13. Has your efficiency decreased since drinking?
It decreases WHILE I'm drinking.

14. Is drinking jeopardizing your job or business?
I'm a stand up comic...

15. Do you drink to escape from worries or troubles?
Of course

16. Do you drink alone?
Only if I can't find anyone to drink with me.

17. Have you ever had a complete loss of memory as a result of your drinking?
Not complete

18. Has your physician ever treated you for drinking?
I don't have health insurance.

19. Do you drink to build up your self-confidence?
Is there a better reason to drink?

20.Have you ever been in a hospital or institution on account of drinking?
Again, no health insurance.

Stephanie's Blog. Welcome to the Slog!

Hello Chickadees!

Welcome to the blog of Stephanie Holmes. This blog is going to be regularly (I'm talking several times a week) updated with articles, poems, songs, and whatever else I want. The idea is for me to stretch myself to write more regularly and (hopefully) entertain you out there in the interweb!

You can read more stuff I've written at:

bushwickbk.com

mindfeck.info

And I am on facebook so feel free to friend me!

Every Sunday I will list all my shows for the upcoming week. If you're looking for something to do and you find me and/or my blog amusing...please come and see me perform and support live stand up comedy!

• Monday 3/2- "The Rock and Roll Comedy Circus" at Europa, 8pm

FREE ADMISSION! Great comedy and a new band every week! $5 PBR + Shot of whiskey,$2 PBR, and $1 hot dogs!

Meserole and Manhattan in Greenpoint, BK. Take the G to Nassau.

• Wednesday 3/4- The New York Comedy Club, 9pm

The show starts at 9pm but I usually don't get on until after 11pm. MARATHON COMEDY!

24th Street, between 2nd and 3rd Ave.

• Friday 3/6- Open Mic at the New York Comedy Club, 5:30pm

Hosted by me every other Friday. One drink gets you 5 minutes stage time. This mic gets a decent number of actual audience members as well as comics...so it's great to try out new stuff.

24th Street, between 2nd and 3rd Ave.

• Friday 3/6- The Playwright's Tavern, 10:00pm

After successfully running a Saturday night room here, Tom Newell is taking on Friday nights. I willbe the show's regular host, so you can catch me there every Friday. But, this one will be extrafun because it's the first one! No cover, but there is a 2 drink minimum.

8th Avenue and 45th St. (NE side of the street), 3rd floor

This Thursday I am going to be a guest on a talk show called "It's Alive TV", http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fmogulus.com%2Fitsalive&h=bee1588ed2be91fb02859f1542721e04 . But, I'm not exactly sure when they'll post up my episode...so more info to come!

See you in hell,

Stephanie